What My Phone Needs
I need three things in life: a phone that holds a charge, a phone that doesn't spy on me, and a phone that doesn't cost my first-born child. So basically, I need to go back to 2005.

















I need three things in life: a phone that holds a charge, a phone that doesn't spy on me, and a phone that doesn't cost my first-born child. So basically, I need to go back to 2005.
My dog wakes me up by jumping on the bed and licking my face. My cat wakes me up by sitting on my chest and staring into my soul like I owe her money. My goldfish just floats there judging us both.
I tried explaining the Trojan War to my friend. Turns out I spent 10 minutes describing a wooden horse with angry people inside before he reminded me that's just my apartment building at 2 AM.
Cooking disasters are like a first date with fire—you're hopeful at the start, but by the end you're just trying to minimize the damage and open all the windows.
My boss says we need to 'circle back' on this project. I told him the only thing circling back is my attention span during these meetings.
I searched for 'Emily Willis now' to see what she's been up to lately. Turns out I was just looking at my own browser history from 2019.