Brian, a “cool” teenage boy continually challenges his conservative father by, wanting to have his ears pierced or his hair dyed. “Dad,” he asked, “Would it be okay if I had S-T-U-D shaved in the back of my head?”
“Sure,” came his Father’s quick reply. “But only if you add a Y to it.”
Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, “We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights.”
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons. The first woman tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic woman chirps in, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third woman crone says, “My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he’s called ‘Your Eminence’.”
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Money doesn’t bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you’re in a public restroom.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.
A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy Saturday when the television’s on the blink.
The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Money doesn’t bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only a kiss a yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.
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There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: “The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.”
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Two blondes were riding a train for the first time. They had brought along a bag of apples for lunch. Just as one bit into
her apple, the train entered a tunnel under a mountain.
In the darkness was overheard, “Did you take a bite of your apple?”
“No.”
“Well, don’t. I did and I just went blind.”
A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can’t find it, so she asks a police officer for directions.
“Excuse me, officer,” the blonde says, “how do I get to the capitol building?”
The officer says, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.”
The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.
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For immediate Release
Press Release Re: Job Security
Important Notice for Highway Department Road Workers
Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly, they were all killed. At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward.
Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, “You hypocrite!” he boomed, “All you ever cared about in your life was money! ‘Money is evil’ ‘Money won’t buy you happiness!’ ‘Money THIS…’ ‘Money THAT…’. Yet you’ve hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named ‘Penny,’ isn’t that so?” he demanded. Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, “Y-yes, Sir, That’s true…”
“Well, you DID preach the gospel, so I won’t send you off to you-know-where, but you DON’T get to come in the FRONT gate. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off you go!”
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A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”
Doctor: “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”
Priest: “Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
Priest: “Say, George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
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A blonde’s house is somehow set on fire so she runs outside to use a pay phone to call for help.
She gets the 911 operator, and is transferred to the firehouse.
“Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire. You have to help me!”
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Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku… they would read like these:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but endless others exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
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Bob is opening his bar one day and is amazed to see a gorilla sitting in the oak tree in front of his establishment.
He carefully walks into his bar and wastes no time looking up “Gorilla Removal” in the yellow pages. He calls the service, and in nothing flat a truck pulls up with the words “JOE’s GORILLA REMOVAL”
written on the side.
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Glossary of Product Terminology
NEW: Different colors from previous version.
ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
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When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, “Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.”
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A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
“Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
“Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”
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One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of
the day off.
She started with “This was England’s finest hour.” Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, “Winston Churchill.”
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