Texan in Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at
least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

Ten Commandments for Stress Free Programming

1. Thou shalt not worry about bugs.
Bugs in your software are actually special features.

2. Thou shalt not fix abort conditions.
Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.

3. Thou shalt not handle errors.
Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.

4. Thou shalt not restrict users.
Don’t do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.
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Special Fare Follow-up

US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

Sleeping Arrangements

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the Rabbi, “My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.
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Signs You’re Broke

1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch anymore.

6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

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Short Thoughts for Fun 2

“USA Today has come out with a new survey ….. Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”

Short Thoughts for Fun 1

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”

Scientific Discoveries

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber net.

Irish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

Quips & Quotes

Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world so you don’t have to experience it.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Quality Work Force

A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public Works. He was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The man agreed to the conditions and starts the next day.

The supervisor checked and found that the man completed 4 miles on his first day. “Great,” he thought, “this man will really work out.”

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Punishment Due

A little boy works on a farm. In the early hours his mother tells him to do all his chores before sitting down to his breakfast which upsets him. On the way out to the barn he shoves the cow out the way, then seeing the rooster he gives that a kick and finally pulls the old sows ear in his temper.

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Primetime Parking

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate.

The police officer walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up and obligingly cranked down the car window. The boyish looking driver said, “Yes, Officer?”

“What are you doing?” the policeman asked.

“What does it look like?” answered the young man. “I’m reading this magazine.”

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, “And what’s she doing?”
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Pragmatic Solutions

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on “Knowing my own Hidden Secrets” and “Lies and Deceit,” a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

“I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my Income Taxes. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”

Politically Correct

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.”
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Perplexed

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?”

The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.”

The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.”
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Outlandish Expectations

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

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Military Etiquette

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again.

Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

MICROSOFT VS. GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.” Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”

And…

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
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May I Have Your Opinion

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”

The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says, “What’s meat?”

The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”

The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”

Make Her Happy

In the world of romance, one single rule applies Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects — Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.