A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”
“What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said. “His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”
A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She’s not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: “Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?”
The farmer writes back: “Honey, don’t go near that field. That’s where all my guns are buried.”
But, because he is in jail all of the farmer’s mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don’t find one single weapon.
The farmer then writes to his wife: “Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes.”
On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.
“Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about,” said the city slicker, “but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn’t it save a lot of time?”
“Time?” said the farmer. “What does time matter to a pig?”
There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: “What do you use to feed your pigs?”
“Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?”
“Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don’t feed them like you should, they shouldn’t eat wastes.”
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: “Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak…why?”
“Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it’s unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat.”
And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: “Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want.”
An agriculture student said to a farmer: “Your methods are too old fashioned. I won’t be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples.”
“I won’t be surprised either,” said the farmer, “this is an orange tree”.
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
Copying an idea from an author is plagiarism. Copying many ideas from many authors is research.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
A merchant sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor, noting that the previous bill hadn’t been paid, told the collections manager to check it. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”
1000 Years of German Humor
Everything men know about women
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
Who’s who in Puerto Rico
Americans’ Guide to Etiquette
Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Jerry Garcia’s Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Gun Control for The New Millennium: NRA Handbook
A merchant teaches his son the secrets of the trade: “When you charge a customer $100, and he pays you by mistake $200, you have an ethical dilemma — should you tell your partner?”
There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street. Smith had a sign in his window, “Avocados, 20 pence a pound”. A woman goes in and asks for some. “Sorry love”, said Smith, “I haven’t got any in just now; come back on Wednesday”.
So she goes on up the street to Jones. But his avocados are 2 pounds-fifty a pound! But at least he has them in stock.
“That’s a bit steep isn’t it? Smith’s are only 20 pence a pound”.
“Yeah”, says Jones, “and when I haven’t got any in stock, mine also are only 20 pence a pound!”
How many merchants does it take to change a light bulb?
“The light bulb that I sold you doesn’t work? You must be using a non-standard socket.”
A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, “Thank Heavens I’ve made it in time! Have you any turkey?” The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 1/2 pounds.
“Ah, haven’t you anything bigger?” the woman inquires. The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.
“Marvelous!” says the woman. “I’ll have both of them please.”
Shopkeeper Smith was alarmed when a new business, much like his own, opened in the storefront to the left of him. A huge sign was installed, reading BEST DEALS.
Mr. Smith was troubled a second time when another competitor leased the building on his right, and erected a much larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
At this point Smith was really depressed, however, he came up with an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop…it read MAIN ENTRANCE.
The Dictionary: what hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it
New: Different color from previous design.
All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer’s cost cut to the bone.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Revolutionary: It’s different from our competitors.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Improved: Didn’t work the first time.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.
Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.
Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.
Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.
Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.
High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.
SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.
New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.
Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.
Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.
Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can’t explain.
Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.
How can you tell when a salesperson is lying?
His lips are moving.
A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the ‘unbreakable’ comb for everyone to see and said, “And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside.”
A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
“I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie. “But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well — only double.”
The salesman thought about this for a while. “For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. “But your rival has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.
“I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the salesman said.
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But your rival has just received two Ferraris,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?”
“Well,” said the salesman, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”
A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.
The classified ad said, “Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience.”
The man who won the job asked, “I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why ‘one armed’?”
The CEO answered, “I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase ‘on the other hand’.”
The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem.
“Add baking-powder to the chickens’ food,” said the consultant, “it will calm them down.”
After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: “My chickens continue to die. What shall I do?”
“Add strawberry juice to their drinking water, that will help for sure”.
A week passed, and again the farmer came to the consultant: “My chickens are still quarrelling. Do you have some more advice?”
“I can give you more and more advice,” answered the consultant. “The real question is whether you have more chickens.”