Student Joke
Teacher to a student a=b, b=c means a=c. Give me an example. Student: I luv u – u luv your daughter – so I luv your daughter.
Teacher to a student a=b, b=c means a=c. Give me an example. Student: I luv u – u luv your daughter – so I luv your daughter.
I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, “Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman’s brain as well. It costs $50,000.”
The client asked, “What? How’s that possible?”
The doctor replied, “You see, it’s totally unused.”
A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, “Can I park here?”
“No,” says the cop.
“What about all these other cars?”
“They didn’t ask!”
A tourist asks a man in uniform, “Are you a policeman?”
“No, I am an undercover detective.”
“So why are you in uniform?”
“Today is my day off.”
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
“When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.”
“You’re wrong, officer, it’s only my hat that makes me look that old.”
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”
The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 60.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.”
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
Man turns to his wife and yells: “Shut your damn mouth!”
Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m too drunk to do that.”
While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope’s authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: “Who is in the limo, the mayor?”
The policeman told him: “No, someone more important than the mayor.”
Then the chief asked “Is it the governor?”
The policeman answered: “No, someone more important than the governor.”
The chief finally asked: “Is it the President?”
The policeman answered: “No, someone even more important than the President.”
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: “Now who is more important than the President?!”
The policeman calmly wispered: “I’ll put it to you this way chief. I don’t know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.”
A man calls the fire department and says, “Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden.”
“Very nice,” the firefighter says, “but what does that have to do with the fire service?”
“Well,” the man answers, “the house next door is on fire and I don’t want you to trample my front yard.”
An excited man calls the fire department and says, “Help me, my house is on fire!!”
The fireman says, “Where do you live?”
The man replies, “I am too excited, I can’t tell you the exact address.”
The fireman asks, “How do you expect us to get there?”
The man replies, “What do you mean ‘how’? The big red truck.”
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?” The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says, “Alright then” and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?” The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says “Alright then” and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?” The Scotsman says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says, “Hey where is your big black beard?” The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, “Secret Service!”
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. While chatting with the bartender the man says: “I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day.”
“Really?!” says the bartender, “How?”
“Very simple. Just pour full glasses.”
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now.” After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. “Hey, what about the payment?” yells the bartender. “I have no money,” answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, “Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now.” The bartender thinks to himself, “The man can’t be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money”, and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. “Hey, what about the payment?” yells the bartender. “I have no money,” answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, “Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar.”
In disgust, the bartender asks “What, no beer for me this time?”
“No,” answers the man, “you get violent when you drink.”
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona’s president sits down and says, “Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser’s president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
Coors’ president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. “Whew,” the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
“You would be too if you had what I have.”
“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.
“Fifty cents.”
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, “Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying.”