what are cats?
when you want to play they want to play
when you want to be alone they want to play
they expect you to cater to their every whime
they leave hair everywhere
they never listen to you
they do naughty stuff and look cute at the same time
conclusion
They are tiny women in little fur coats
The young man said to his sweetheart, “We’re going to have a great time tonight. I have three theater tickets.”
The young girl said, “Why do we need three tickets?”
“They’re for your father, mother, and kid sister!”
She left her purse on Noah’s Ark.
Jurassic Park brought back the memories…
When she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial.
She still owes Moses a dollar.
When she was at school…there was No history class!
She uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea
She co-wrote the 4th Commandment.
When I asked for her ID she handed me a rock
She even made Yoda jealous.
She recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.
The fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
She sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade
Her first job was as Cain and Abel’s baby-sitter.
Her birthday expired.
When Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!
She got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
Has 10 fingers — all on the same hand.
Has green hair and thinks she’s a Tree.
Has a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
Has one short leg and that why she always walking in circles…
Has a major weight problem – she can’t wait…to eat.
Got a glass eye with a fish in it.
Got so much dandruff that a Midgie landed on her head and said: “Christ, I aint’ seen this much snow in years.”
When she step on the Weight Scales it says…’to be continued’…
She once went on a seafood diet…whenever she saw food she ate it!
Folk exercise by jogging around her!
NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer
She was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm…
small objects orbit her.
She could be the eighth continent.
Her university graduation photo was an aerial
She shows up on radar.
Her Passport photo says ‘Picture is continued overleaf’
She was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.
She once told me ‘I could eat a horse’…believe me, she wasn’t kidding!
yo mamas so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on da scales! (submitted by Lana)
A Japanese drops a hammer out the window of a seven story window when he goes back down stairs he see a kid crying he ask the kid why he is crying and the kid says a hammer came out of the sky and hit my dad now he has a concussion.
An amerian drops a nuke out the window when he got outside he saw a kid laughing. He asked why he was laughing the kid said grandma farted and the house blew up.
What Do You Do If A Blond Throws A Granade At You?
You Activate It And Throw It Back At Her.
Ques – How do you make a football pitch in to a triangle??
Ans – Take a corner
I told her drinks were on the house…so she went and got a ladder…
She make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner
She noticed a sign reading ‘Wet Floor’…so she just did!
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
She asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken.
She got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly starved to death.
She sold her Car for Petrol cash!
She reckoned a Quarterback was a refund…
She once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a Kerb.
She took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig.
I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
It took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles.
She invented a silent car alarm.
She watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.
She was born on Halloween and can’t remember her birthday.
She thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station.
She lost her shadow.
She thought Hot Meals were stolen food.She make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize winners.
When I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me…’Which colour?’
Knock Knock?
Whos there?
Luke
Luke who??
Luke thru the key hole and u will see me
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
My Damn!
My Damn who?
My Damn foot is caught in the door!
A man drove all night long. Upon arriving in a small community, he decided to stop in the local park and catch some shuteye. Just as he dozed off, there was a knock on the window. Outside the car, the man saw a jogger. “Excuse me, can you give me the time?”
“Yeah, it’s 6:27.”
The man settled back and was almost asleep when there was another knock on the window. Another jogger. “I’m sorry to disturb you. Do you have the time?”
“Yeah. It’s 6:34.”
The man rolled up the window and realized this could go on indefinitely. So he took paper and pen and made a sign which read: “I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME”.He stuck the sign in the window and again nestled himself back in the seat.
Then… yet another tap on the window. The man looked and sure enough, another jogger.
He disgustedly rolled down the window and said, “Yeah, what is it?”
The jogger replied, “It’s 6:42.”
The Joke of the year:
A blonde got into Oxford University 🙂
A guy from china said “If I ever eat rice again i will kill myself”
A guy from italy said “If I ever eat rice again i will kill myself”
Some random 12 year old who is still in second grade said
“If I ever eat PB & J again I wil kill myself.”
The next day the moms of the guys from China an Italy saw them dead on the ground (they never knew they never wanted those meals again) The radom 12 year old’s mom saw him dead on the ground said”Don’t look at me, he packed his own lunch.”
International Institute of Answering Machine Answers
 1) Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me
enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
 2) “Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”
 3) “If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”
A Blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. “I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can’t remember anything after I turned off the big fan.”
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approcached them arm loaded with belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. “She’s not from the States.” “Yes I am.” said the wife. He looked at her and asked. “Is he your husband?” “Yes.” she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered….. “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “she’s not for sale.” After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,
But
You hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
   -Erica Jong-
1. NIIT : Not Interested in IT
2. WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses
4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions
5. INFOSYS : Inferior Offline Systems
6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping
7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds
8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines
9. SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
10. C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings
11. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible
12. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort
13. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers
14. ORACLE : Online Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees
15. PATNI: Pathetic Appraisal Techniques, No Increments
1.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go?
2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
3.If the ‘black box’ flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
4.Why do people say, ‘you’ve been working like a dog’ when dogs just sit around all day?
5.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
6.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
7.What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
8.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
9.Why is it called a ‘building’ when it is already built?
10.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?
11.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?