I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.
I was against it and an argument started.
I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.
He responded, “When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?”
And I said “See, even people who write viruses don’t support Macs.”
No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly – okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so – okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk – okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. – Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. – Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It’s a bug.
Intercom Switch
Switch on the intercom as tell the victim that the “person on the other end wants to talk to you”. You’ll hear them going “Hello? Hellooo?”…
Congrats! You Won!
Some restaurants have those little prize boxes where you have to fill out the form for a chance to win something. When nobody is paying attention, take a few of them out. Then call those people up and tell them they won the prize! The bigger the prize the more enthusiastic the victim will be. Then tell them they will need to pick up their prize in person. Give them a location far away at an unusual time.
Name Swap
Next time your buddy leaves his phone laying around. Pick it up and change your name in the phonebook with an Ex’s name. Then wait a few minutes and give him a call. He will think his Ex is calling him.
Water Shutoff Prank
Call your friend and let him know that the city is going to be shutting of the water for the next couple of days and have advised to fill sinks, tubs, buckets, etc with water before they shutoff water system in the next few hours. It also helps to have other close friends give the victim a call explaining the same story.
1. A student’s leave letter:
“As I am suffering from my uncle’s marriage I cannot attend the class….”
2. A candidate’s application:
“This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘typist And an accountant – Male or Female’… As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post.”
3. I.T.I.: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.
4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”
5. A leave letter to the headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”
6. An incident of a leave letter:
“I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday.”
7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
8. A covering note:
“I am enclosed herewith…”
9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.
10. Actual letter written for application of leave:
“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave”.
11. Letter writing:
“I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well.”
12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s wedding:
“As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave…”
Prank On Computer Illiterate
Stick a floppy disk in the floppy drive. The user will not be able to boot windows up until the floppy disk is removed.
Blind Carbon Copy Prank
This prank is for that annoying co-worker who is always sending out personal emails, chatting online with friends and using company time to talk on cell phone to boy/girlfriend. All you have to do is go to their email when they are away and set it to “send blind carbon copies” to your boss’s email address.
Screensaver Password
Change your victim’s computer so they need a password to get out of ‘screensaver’ mode.
Scrolling Marque Prank
Change your victim’s screen saver so it is a scrolling marque and says something like “(victim’s name) is laziest person on earth”
MySpace Computer Prank
Create a new ‘fake’ profile on MySpace claiming to be a new girl in school. Tell alot of boys personally where to meet her at lunchtime. Give each of them the same location and time. Then watch as dozens of boys go to the same location looking for a hot chick that doesn’t exist.
Keep On Ringing
If you know someone that uses a phone with a hook that presses down when the handset is in the craddle, then tape that part down. When the person tries to answer a call it will just keep on ringing and ringing.
20+ cups on desk
Fill about 20 or more paper cups up with water, place them next to each other on your victims desk. Then staple them all together, stand back and watch as he/she arrives at work and is clueeless about how to go about removing the cups off the desk.
Pick Up The Entire Phone
Wrap a very small piece of wire around the phone cord so both ends are tied together. When the phone rings and your victim goes to pick up the receiver, he will up with the entire phone base with it.
Confusing Drawers
Before your co-worker arrives at the office remove his desk drawers and switch them around. He will definitely scratch his head over this one. Hint: In case you cannot remove the drawers, just remove the items and swap them
Pen Swap
Take all of your co-wrokers pens and replace them with your pens that your glued caps on to the night before. He will not be able to take the caps off to use the pens.
A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side. Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store (a good 2-hour drive away).
“Can you get me some chicken feed?” the man asked.
“Yup, but ya can’t have none unless you can prove to me you actually gots chickens. Don’t want no one eatin’ it or nothin’ an’ gettin’ sick.” the clerk responded.
He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. “Here’s my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed.” He got his feed and drove home.
The next day he ran out of dog food. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food.
The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk “Put your finger in this, take it out, and smell it.”
“That smells like… crap!” she said with a look of surprise on her face.
“Yup. Can you get me some toilet paper.”
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything,including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
School:A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance:A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death
A man went on a business to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, ‘What would happened if this does not work?’
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, ‘GUARANTEE NO SPOILT’.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.
He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, ‘Brother, you are in China . We read from the right to the left.’
Yo momma so fat and old
God had to move her out of the way before he created the sun.
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it
doesn’t have enough features yet!
A cyclone hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning.It tore off the roof, and picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed the next county over.
The wife was sobbing uncontrollably.
“Don’t be scared, Mary,” her husband said.” We’re not hurt.”
Mary continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs. “I’m happy… this is the first time in 14 years we’ve been out together.”
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
your mums soo stupid she got locked in morrisons….
and died of starvation
Your mama is so ugly that people put her picture on the bottom of a bottle of exlax and sold it empty.
A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the football team. The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said, “Hell yah, get a load of this!”
And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.
The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied, “Hell yah!” and he sprinted from endzone to endzone like lightning.
The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast. He finally composed himself and said, “But can you pass a football?”
The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, “Hell yah, if I can swallow it, I can surely pass it!”
Ques – How do you keep and idiot busy?
Answer – Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Bob: My wife drives like lightning
Ted: She drives fast?
Bob: No, she hits trees!
