Below Sea Grade
A boy came home from school with his exam results. “What did you get?” asked his father. “My marks are under water,” said the boy. “What do you mean ‘under water’?” ” They are all below ‘C’ (sea) level!”
A boy came home from school with his exam results. “What did you get?” asked his father. “My marks are under water,” said the boy. “What do you mean ‘under water’?” ” They are all below ‘C’ (sea) level!”
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That’s why I say she’s no good!
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: 1 year older then me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So? Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.
On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8. If she can’t make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
Once a man was waiting for a taxi.
A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, “I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you.” “I would have bought a cup of tea”, replied the beggar.
The man said, “Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea”. He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, “I don’t smoke as it is injurious to health.”
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, “Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good”.
The beggar refused by saying, “Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver”.
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, “I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone”.
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, “Sorry sir, I can’t come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit.”
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar’s face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, “Why do you want me to go to your house with you”.
The man replied, “My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like
1. You can stare at any Girl…….
2. You don’t have to spend money on her.
3. You won’t get boring result in ur board papers.
4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.
5. If u don’t have a girlfriend, she can’t dump u.
6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.
7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.
8. You won’t have to tolerate someone else defining, “right” and “wrong” for u.
9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can’t do anything according ur wishes anymore.
10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
11. You won’t have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.
12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.
13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.
14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u’ll sin less.
15. You can have good night’s sleep-no need to dream about her.
16. You wont have to fight over having a ‘special’ friend with ur folks.
17. No nonstop nonsense.
18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.
19. No tension.
20. You can be “urself”
21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills…..
Q) What do you do when a Blonde throws a grenade at you?
A) Pull out the pin and throw it back!
Q) what did santa say when he was High?
A) Merry christmas to all now your all Gonna get High!
That when she jumped in the sea the whales started singing “we are family”.
Q: Why shouldn’t you sneak up on Santa?
A: Because he takes karate and has a black belt.
Ques) Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
Ans) It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Police officer.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying for years.”
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
Sergeant Clark was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Rogers noticed that Sergeant Clark had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Clark’s sales pitch. Clark explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”
“Now”, he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
A blonde was putting together a puzzle and she got stuck. So she called her boyfriend Josh to come over and help. Josh asked what is the picture of.She replied that it was a roster. Josh said ok i will be coming within few min.Josh arrives at her house looks at her and says, honey put the corn flakes back in the box
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, “The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind.” One of the hunters pushed forward, “Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What’s with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, “Do you know where we are?” “I think so,” replied the other Redneck. “Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year
It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn’t know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea….
He turned to the crowd of guests and said “Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?” About twenty people stood.Then he asked ” Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?” about twenty five people stood up. Then He smiled and said
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“Will all those who stood please leave, this is a birthday party”.
Three Men were sitting in a Sauna; An American, A Japanese, and an Irish Man.
All of a Sudden…They heard a weird beeping noise. The American pressed his wrist and the beeping stopped…The American said, ”That was my pager…I got a microchip in my wrist”…Questionly, The Japanese and Irish Man continued to sit in the Sauna.
All of A Sudden…They heard a ringing noise. The Japanese pressed his ear and the ringing stopped…The Japanese said, ”That was my phone…I got a microchip in my ear”…
Feeling quiet inadequate and left out, the Irish Man left the Sauna and went to the toilet…when he returned…He had toilet paper hanging from his rear end…The Irish Man turned around and said, “Be Jesus!, Look at that, I’m getting a fax”
How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a “teethbrush”.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.