Tanks Exchanged

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?”
“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”

New To Job

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on.”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m newat this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”

Blondes Are So Stupid

One day a mother told her daughter(yes blonde) that she wanted the house yellow while she goes to work. When the mother got home the house the green. She asked her daughter why did you paint the house green. And the daughter said you told me you wanted the house yellow so i painted it green and in a few weeks the house should ripe and turn yellow.

BE vs MBA

A MBA and a BE student go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fell asleep. Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend and says:”Look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

The MBA replies, “I see millions of stars.” The BE asks, “What does that tell you?”
The MBA ponders for a minute..”Astronomically speaking,it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?”
The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Practically. ..Someone has stolen our tent”.

Breaking News From Ford Company

Breaking News From Ford Company – Ford is now offering a new pair of shoes to the ford owner so they can use those on their way to town to get help.

Swimming Without Water – Funny Joke

A blonde in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. She poised, lifted her arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive ? there’s no water in that pool!” “That’s all right,” said the blonde. “I can’t swim!”

Crazy Friends

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea,” said Mike. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.” “What, do you think I’m stupid? I have an idea. I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.” “What, do you think I’m stupid? You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”

Tree Planters

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole — he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole — fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn’t believe how hard these men were working, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!” The hole digger replied, “Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”

Woman Politician

A woman politician visited a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
“There’s no easy way to say this,so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman politician stared at the fortune teller’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

“Will I be acquitted?”

Stupid

Yo mama is so stupid she died in a non fatal crash

Laziest Of All – Office Joke

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he
announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up?”
Nine hands went up.
“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.
“Too much trouble,” came the reply.

Funny And Tasty Clowns

Ques. How come cannibals don’t eat clowns?
Ans. Because they taste funny

Three Adults And Three Kids

There was a pilot, a preacher, and a teacher..there were flying up in the air and the piloy said
” we all need to drop one thing so we will keep flight.”
The teacher dropped an apple, the preacher drop a bible, and the pilot dropped a bomb…
later once the landed….the teacher walked up to a little boy who was crying, and asked..
” why are you crying?”
(little boy) ” this apple fell on my head”
the preacher went up to a little girl who was crying and asked..
” why are you crying?”
(little girl) “this bible fell on my head”
the pilot walks up to a little girl and asks..
“why are you laughing?”
(little girl) ” i was sitting here having a tea party when i farted… i heard a noise and turned around and my neighbors house blew up”

Oh Women

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don’t, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don’t, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp.
If you don’t, you are not understanding.
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don’t, she accuses you of double-crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you don’t, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it’s bad.
If you don’t, she thinks you do not love her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her.
If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait.
If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way.
If you visit another man, you’re not putting in “quality time”.
If she is visited by another man, “oh it’s natural we are girls”.
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage.
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it’s just one of men’s tactics for seduction.
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring.
If you talk, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.

Oh! WOMAN….
Simple, yet so complex.
So weak, yet so powerful.
So confusing, yet so desirable.
So damning, yet so wonderful…..
…WOMEN!…. You are too…. Great…..

Potato Blonde Joke

So there is a blond, red head, and a brunette and they are all sneaking on a train. once they were all on the administrator came to check, so the red head goes to hide with cows and the brunette went to hide with the pigs, and the blond went to hide with the potatoes. the administrator stuck her head in the cow cart so the red head say moooooo! so the administrator moved to the pig cart and the brunette says oink! so she moves on, next she walks to the potato cart and the blond goes…. PAATAATOO!(potato)….

Yo Mama So Fat

yo mama is so fat her left and right arms are in different time zones

Yo Mamma Jokes

yo mamma is so cross-eyed that your dad left her for seeing someone on the side.

yo mamma is so fat when she got on a scale it said “to be continued”

your mamma was the 1st person to find out animals could talk. she put her face in front of a horse and the horse said ” DAMN!!”

yo mamma so ugly she tried to do a dog and the dog said “even i have standards.”

Funny Yo Mama Jokes

yo mama is so hairy when u was born she gave u rug burn

yo mama so old she owes fred flinston a food stamp

yo mama so poor when i step on the skatebored she said get off the family car

Yo Momaa

yo momaa is so fat that when she jumped in the sky she got stuck

Inventions By Blonde

Inventions by the blonde:
1. Self-Firing Gun
2. Touch Activated Grenades
3. Indoor Key Holes