Job At The FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting. In a chair .. . . Kill her!!’

The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’

The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions.He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to beat him to death with the chair.

Lunch Box

There were three men a brunette, a red-hed and a blond. they were opening the lunch boxes, The brunette opened his first and said “AWW nut if I get another turkey sandwitch i’m going to jump of this building. So the red-head opens his lunch and said “AWW nuts if I get another ham sandwitch i’m going to jump off the building.” So the blond opens his lunch and said “AWW nut if I get another boloni sandwitch i’m going to jump off this building”

So the next day……
The brunette opens his lunch and he get turkey so he jumps off the building.
The red-head opens his lunch and gets ham sandwitch so he jumps of the building.
The blnd opens his lunch and gets boloni and so he jumps off the cliff……..

At the funeral The wife’s of the three men are sobbing. The brunettes wife said “if only I knew he didn’t like turkey!” and the other people are confronting her. The red-heads wife said “if only I knew he din’t like ham!” and the people are confronting her. so all the people turn to the blonds wife and she said “What don’t look at me he made his own lunches.”

Magic Mountain

There was a blond and brunette and a red head all on a magical mountain. They all get to the top and find a magic golden statue. The statue said that whatever the girls said they would turn into.
So the brunette says eagle and is happy to get off the mountain and flies away.
The Red head says hawk and is also happy to get off of he mountain and flies away.
Finally the blond trips over a rock and says “crap” and turns into a peace of crap and rolls dow magic mountain.

Yo Mama So Fat

yo mama so fat she went swimming in the ocean and the whales started singing ‘we are family’

yo mama so fat i have to take two trains and a bus too get on her good side

she’s fat, she’s round, she bounces on the ground!
IT’S YOUR MUM! IT’S YOUR MUM!

yo mama’s so fat that when she went buggie jumping she went straight to hell

Funny Laws

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will!

Funny Management Joke

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:

“If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?” The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:”Okay.”

The young man parks the car,connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled withlogarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 10 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”

The shepherd cheers,”That’s correct, you an have your sheep.” The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?” The young man answers, “Yes, why not”.

The shepherd says, “You are a Management Consultant from a top-notch consultancy”.

How did you know?” asks the surprised young man.

“Very simple,” answers the shepherd.

“First, you came here without being called.

Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, And

Third, you don’t understand anything about my business…

Now can I have my DOG back?”

Blonde In Pool

Q. How do you drown a blonde?

A. Stick a mirror on the bottom of a pool

Corn Mazes

Ques. How many scientists does it take to get out of a corn maze?

Ans. They don’t know…none of them have made it out yet!!!!!!!!

IDK

Blonde: excuse my but what does “idk” mean?
Little girl: i dont know
Blonde: omg! nobody knows!

Letter from a customer to the bank

Dear Sir,
In view of the current developments in the banking industry, if one of my cheques is returned marked ‘insufficient funds’, does that refer to me or to you?
Yours faithfully,
Customer

Christmas Turkey

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, ‘Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

‘No, madam, ‘he replied, ‘they’re all dead.’

Doubtful To Trust

On the Sunday before Christmas Reverend Billy Graham was walking down Highland street in Mt Holly, North Carolina on his way to see a parishioner. However, he wanted to post a parcel urgently so he asked a young boy where he could find the post office. When the boy had directed him, Reverend Graham thanked him and said, ‘If you’ll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.’

The boy replied, ‘I think I’ll give your sermon a miss. If you don’t even know your way to the post office, how will you lead me to heaven?’

What A Girl Wants For Christmas

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’

‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Emily sweetly.

‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’

Funny Christmas Questions

What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
He likes to ho-ho-ho.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve.

Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit?
They both drop their needles!

What do you call a group of chess fanatics bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?
Sandy Claus!

Funny Christmas Tree News Story

Dog Opening his Christmas Present

A funny video showing a dog opening his Christmas present.

Poor Boys

When a Girl Cries,The World “Consoles” her
But when a boy cries , They say Come on man don’t be A “Girl”

If A Girl slaps a Boy, Definitely the Boy would have “done something”
If Boy Slaps a girl,Rascal doesn’t know how to “Respect Ladies”

If a Girl is talking to Boys, She is “Very Friendly”
If a Boy talks to a Girl,He is “flirting”

If a Girl meets with accident,Then its “mistake of others”
If a Boy meets with same accident , “Don’t you know how to Drive”

What A World Is this
crying-baby

Please help us god..

Your Mamma Collection

Yo mama taste so bad they make people eat it on Fear Factor!!!!! – Submitted by Mizz Williams

Yo momma is so poor i saw her kicking a tin can down the street and i asked her what she was doing and she said she was moving houses – Submitted by Josh ABC

your mum is so ugly that when she was little HER mum had to tie a pork chop in her head just so the dog would play with her!!! – Submitted by Vicky

yo mamma so dumb she tried to commit suicide out of her basement window

yo mamma so fat she makes the earth look like a bouncy ball

yo mamma so dumb she sold her car for gas money

Alex Joke – Tomato

Ques Why did the tomato lose the race ?
Ans Because he needed to ketchup

How To Drown A Blonde

Ques. How do you drown a blonde ?
Ans . Glue a mirror to the bottom of a pool
OR
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool