A tired man walks into a bar and sits by a sick looking man, the sick looking man was just looking at a bowl of chile and the man could tell he couldn’t eat it. So the man, to tired to order it for himself asks the sick looking man for it. the man grumbles a “yes” and gives it to him. So the tired man starts to eat the bowl chile and after a few minutes begins to feal bad and throws up, right into the bowl. The sick looking man by him says “thats where i stopped”.
A man (who is very drunk) walks into a bar and yells “alright! i bet every man in here a hundred bucks i could throw this penny up in the air and catch it right between my teeth 10 times in a row. So, everyone wanting to make a buck accepts. So the man dose it nine times perfectly but, on the tenth try it slides between his teeth and falls into his throat. Everybody panics until another man in a hat comes up and beats his stomach, the coin flys right out of his mouth and flys right into the hand of the man with the hat.
After all of the camoution, the crowd ask “who are you, a doctor or something” the hated man smerks and say “IRS”
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind.
‘That’s a serious step,’ he said. ‘Have you thought it out completely?’
‘Yes,’ his young son answered. ‘We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.’ ‘How about transportation? ‘ the father asked.
‘I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,’ the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, ‘What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.’
‘We’ve thought about that, too,’ the little boy replied. ‘We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!’
This joke was submitted by dhruv
There was plane with 600 passengers aboard and the pilot reported that one of the engines have failed, but he says it’s alright, we still have 3 more. It’ll take an hour more than we expected. Half an hour later, the pilot reports that another engine has failed. He says, “But we’ve still got 2 left, it will just take an hour longer than we expected.” The pilot reports half an hour later that the other engine has failed, “But that’s alright,” he says, “We’ve still got 1 more.” Blond says to the guy sitting next to her, “If that last engine fails, we’ll be up here forever.”
A 12-year-old girl was riding in her car with her mom, dad, and 7-year old brother. Her mom was talking about plural words, like cacti, octipi, etc etc. She asked her son what the plural of “Succubus” was. He asked, “What is that?”.
The girl said: A succubus is an evil demon who lives off the life force of men.”
An understanding look dawned on his face, and he triumphantly declared, “Women!”
yo mama’s so fat, when she turned her head the ricter-scale said type 11 earthquake.
yo mama’s so fat, that when she went to the doctors office to get weighed they said one person at a time please!
yo mama’s so fat, they had to make special cars just for her…… they’re the size of six trains.
yo mama’s so ugly, it makes Britney Spears look HOT!
yo mama’s so old, it makes dinasaurs look young.
They said a black man would be president when pigs fly, well its Obama’s first 100 days in office and boom….Swine flu
Universal law:
“Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money ”
First law:
” a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. ”
Second law:
” the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. ”
Third law:
” the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping. “
Yo mommas so poor thieves rob her for practice.
Yo mommas so ugly her reflection turned to stone.
Yo mommas so stupid she was trapped on a desert island and a genie told her she would give her one thing and she asked for a car So she could roll down the window.
Yo momma and two friends of hers were escaping the cops. One hid in a dog house and said “woof!” another hid in a trash can and said “Squeak!” Then, yo momma hid in another trash can and said: ” trash, trash!”
Yo Mommas so stupid she mince pie was a jellybean flavor.
To mommas so ugly al-quada uses her as a torture device.
Yo mommas so stupid when she passed by the YMCA she said: ” Hey, look! They spelled macys wrong!”
A blonde calls her boyfriend at 5 in the afternoon. “I need help with this KILLER tiger puzzle, I’ve been working on it since this morning!” So the boyfriend goes to her house, looks at the puzzle pieces on the table, then the box, and sighed. Okay….First, no matter what we do to this it isn’t going to look ANYTHING like a tiger. Second, relax, de-stress….and third…..” The boyfriend now puts his head in his hand and sighs. “…help me clean up the damn frosted flakes.”
A blonde enters a barber shop wearing headphones. The barber tells her she needs to remove them if she wants a haircut. “I need them!” the blonde said. The barber said she needed to take them off again, and again she said “I need them!” Finally, the barber takes off the headphones and the blonde falls to the ground, dead. The barber puts on the headphones to see what was so important, and a voice said…
“Breathe In……….Out. Breathe In………..Out…..”
Little Johnny’s parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their son’s behavior. His mother had heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if they should send Little Johnny to speak with the priest.
The husband said, “We might as well… we need to do something before I really lose my temper!”
The priest agreed to speak with Little Johnny. The priest sat him down and asked him sternly,
“Where is God?”
Little Johnny made no response, so the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”
Again, Little Johnny made no attempt to answer, so the priest raised his voice again and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “Where is God?”
A frightened Little Johnny ran out of the room and directly home to his bedroom, where he slammed himself in the closet.
Little Johnny’s mother followed him into the closet and asked, “What happened?”
Little Johnny replied, “I’m in BIG trouble this time… God is missing and they think I did it!”
Once, the Ministry of Health are deeply concerned over the liquor drinking habits of the farmers and they decide to spread awareness amongst these farmers that liquor is dangerous for health.
They visit one such village and call upon all the farmers to see the presentation. They keep two glasses on the table, one filled with liquor and the other with water.
They put a insect in the glass which is filled with liquor and after some time the insect dies. Then they put a another insect in the glass which is filled with water and even after some time, the insect is still alive.
They tell the farmers that see how harmful liquor is for your health.
Farmers think for a moment and say that now they will drink even more liquor. Ministry of Health people are amazed and ask why? Farmers say because it will kill all the insects in their stomach.
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. “What’s the matter, Mr. President?” The Vice President inquired.
“Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The President beamed.
“How long did it take you?”
“Well, the box said ‘3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”
A disappointed salesman of Cola company returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there.
But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters…
First poster – A man lying in the hot desert sand…totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster – man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster- Our man is now totally refreshed.
Then these posters were pasted all over the place
“That should have worked,” said the friend.
The salesman replied “I also didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left”
There was a lawyer and a dumb blonde on a hill, the lawyer says to the blonde “I’ll ask you a question and if you get it wrong you owe me five dollars, but if you ask me a question and I get it wrong I owe you five hundred dollars.
So he asks what’s 2+2?
She didn’t know so she gives him five dollars.
Then she asks the lawyer what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down with 2? He opens his laptop and searches for 4 hours, then he gives up and pays her 500 dollars.
Then he asks her what was it? She hands him 5 dollars. Thats what is called a smart blonde 🙂
A guy walked in to a Doctors office to get a checkup…….. after a while the
Doctor comes out and says “I Got good news and bad news”
The guy said “Well whats the good news???”
The Doctor said “The good news is you have 48 hours to live”
Then the guy said “Well whats the bad news?”
The Doctor said “Well the bad news is…. I forgot to tell you yesterday!!!”
I’m telling,
Your smelling,
You went to Brarbie’s Wedding,
You kissed her,
You hugged her,
YOU EVEN SAID YOU LOVED HER!
You took her to the sweetshop and bought her bubblegum,
and when she wasn’t looking you stuck it up her AHEM!
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
———————————————–
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
———————————————–
Can you sing? Not a thing!
Can you dance? Not a chance!
Can you play? Me, no way!
Can you eat and drink? All day!
———————————————–
Tilly the fat cat
Loves a tasty mouse.
But when she sees a rat
She runs back into the house.
———————————————–
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
———————————————–
Emily went to the zoo
And she saw a kangaroo.
“Look, a pocket on her tummy!
Can’t you get one for me, mommy?”
———————————————–
I love your smile, your face and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
Yo mama so fat she has to get her ears pierced with a harpoon!!!
– Brendo
Your mamas so fat that shes the cause of earthquakes.
– Breanna
your mums is so fat her family photos are taken by satellite image……..