Men’s Normal heart beat rate is between 60 and 100 beats per minute, but it depends who is near :
> 18 = 80 to 100 heart beats / min
> 25 = 60 to 80 heart beats / min
> 30 = 40 to 60 heart beats / min
> 40 = 20 to 40 heart beats / min
> 50 = 1 to 3 heart attack in a min.
Yo mamma so stupid she jumped out of a boat and missed the water!
– Germaine
Yo mamma so stupid she taped a piece of paper on the T.V. and said “Im watching paper-veiw”!!!
– Riah Trejo
ya mamma so poor i stepped on a cigarette and she said who turned the heat off
– jj
ya mamma so fat when she went to the beach the whales sang we are family
– jj
your Momma so fat that she doesn’t have to use the internet because she’s world wide
– Milo/funnyface
Yo mamma so poor she goes to KFC to lick other peoples fingers!!:)
– Dylan mc sorley
yo mamma’s so hairy there were bushrangers in the woods they mistaked your mamma as a bear and shot the poor love
– zander
Do you know the answers??? 🙂
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
There was two muffins in an oven. one says, “Wow it’s hot in here!” then the other one turned and looked at him and said, Oh my gosh! a talking muffin!”
A blonde enters a bar and asks the barman,
“Oh! Sir! Please! Can you help me? I have just bought two ponies but I can’t tell them apart! What should I do?”
“Why don’t you chop off one of their tails,” the barman replied. “That way you could tell them apart!”
So the blonde left, and came back a month later and said,
“Oh! Please! Can you help me again? Cutting the tails really worked but they’ve grown back! What am I to do now?”
“Why don’t you chop off one of their manes,” the barman replied. “That way you could tell them apart!”
So the blonde left, and came back a month later and said,
“Oh! Please! Can you help me one more time? Cutting the manes really worked but now they’ve grown back. What can I dow now?” She cried in despair and frustration.
“Okay then,” said the barman, who was beginning to get annoyed with the blonde. “Why don’t you measure them?”
So the blonde left and came back the next day.
“Oh thank you so much! Now I can tell my two ponies apart always! The white one is taller than the black one!”
15 years ago…..
A program was….. a television show
An application was…. for employment
Windows were….. something you hated to clean
A keyboard was…. a piano
Memory was…. something you lost with age
A CD was… a bank account
If you unzipped in public you went to jail
Compress was something you did to garbage
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
Log on was adding wood to a fire
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
Cut you did with scissors
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu!!!
SURE TIMES HAVE CHANGED!
Yo momma is so dirty I had to wipe my feet before i went OUTSIDE.
Yo momma is so fat she stepped on the scale and it said to be continued…
Yo momma is so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch.
Yo momma is so fat she stepped on the scale and it said GET OFF ME!
Yo momma is so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and said wheres my gumball.
Yo momma is so fat she tripped on 7th street and landed on 12th.
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God She asked “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live”
Upon recovery,the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color.Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home,she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”
God replied,”I didn’t recognize you.”
Height of fashion:
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a 2 year old child asking mom for low waist diapers…
yo mama is like fire,
when you see it coming you better run!
At an auction in Mumbai a wealthy Indian announced that he had lost his wallet containing $10,000 and would give a reward of $100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a person shouted, “I’ll give $150!”
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful,” says the mother, “What part is it?” The boy says “I play the part of the Scottish husband!” The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.”
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: “woman without her man is nothing”. The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his life, An old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, ‘How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.’ He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ‘So that’s the ugly lady he’s runnin’ around with.’
yo momma so old she took her road test on dinosaur.
yo momma so lazy she got a stay at home job and still cant to work on time.
yo momma so lazy her wheelchairs reclines.
yo momma so black she sat in a jacuzzi and made coffee.
yo momma so fat she cant even skinnydip.
yo momma so fat i told her to say her abc’s and she said i know my kfc’s. 10 peice 20 peice.
yo momma so poor she went to dollar store and said wheres my mail-in rebate!
yo momma so ugly her birth certificate is an apology letter from the trojan man.
yo momma so cheap she tried buying an xbox 180.
yo momma so fat she got a pocket size microwave.
yo momma so fat when she gets hurt we take her to the hospital in a pickup truck.
yo momma so poor starving kids send her 50 cents a day.
yo momma so hairy she has to shave with Gillette because its the best a man can get.
yo momma the only thing stopping her from getting in a gym is the front door.
In the high way, there is a big pit, and many accidents happens in this pit every day three workers discussed to solve the problem. The first suggest to send ambulance car beside the pit to be standby for any accident that send him quickly to hospital!!!!
The second said, no, he may die in the way to hospital, so is better to build hospital beside the pit !!!!
The third, the most clever said is too expensive to build hospital beside the pit, so we have to fill this pit in the highway and dig one beside the hospital in the city
Hi,
GOOD MORNING.
After 10 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no recommendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;
Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- S! o, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3×366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager! :- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.
Moral – NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR=HIGH RISK
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
In a London Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Outside a London second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)
People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world :
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco :
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
In a Calcutta Coffee House:
PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS