Funny Applications

Employees leave letters:
“Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave..”

From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son: “As I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me for two days..”

Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s wedding: “As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave..”

“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”

“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.
————-
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”

“I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.”
————-
A leave letter to the headmaster:

“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”

“As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.”
————-
Covering note:
“I am enclosed herewith…”
————-
Letter writing:
“I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.”
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A candidate’s job application:
“This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘ Typist and an Accountant – Male or Female’…. As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Roses & Violets

Roses are Red,
Violets are Black,
Why is Your Chest
As Flat as Your Back?

Say to your ex!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
God made me pretty
What happened to you?

The Penguin

A police man found a penguin on the road. He picks it up and takes it to the police station. He asks the top sheriff
“What do i do with it?”
The sheriff says “Take it to the zoo”
The next day the police officer walks into the police station with the penguin.
“I thought i told you to take the penguin to the zoo” says the sheriff
“I did” says the officer, “today we’re going to the movies”

Big Trouble

A: I’m in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don’t have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can’t afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don’t have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don’t have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don’t have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

3 blondes and doors

3 blondes were locked in a house when a voice said, “There is no electricity in this house, no windows, no way to survive except through picking the right doors. If you manage to succeed, you will be let free. If not, you will choose how to die from 3 options.”

“I’m not doing something as stupid as that!” the first one said. She was struck by a sword that came from nowhere. The others were scared, so they started through the doors.

There was a pink and blue door, they went through the blue.
One with a 7 and one with an 8, they picked 8. Pink, yellow, green, blue, and periwinkle, they chose yellow. The voice came and said “You have failed, so now you will die. You can die by the electric chair, being hung, or ending up like your little friend.

“I’ll be hung!”
“Me too!”They died.

“I did tell them there was no electricity, right?” the voice mumbled to himself…

Do You

do you love me
do you not
you told me once
but i forgot
so tell me now and tell me dah truth
so i can say ii love you too?

Yo mama

Your mama’s so fat that when she pole dances the pole gets abs!
– jesslaura

Yo Mamas’ so fat when she set foot on the titanic it was already 5,000 feet under!
– Nathan L. M

Mother of Famous People

COLUMBUS’ MOTHER:
“I don’t care what you’ve discovered,
you still could have written!”

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER:
“All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of
there and show me.”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER:
“Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

MARY’S MOTHER:
“I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a
better grade than you.”

MICHELANGELO‘ S MOTHER:
“Can’t you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to
get that stuff off the ceiling?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER:
“The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER:
“I don’t care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew.”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER:
“But it’s your senior picture.
Can’t you do something about your hair?
OY! Styling gel, mousse, something… ?”

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER:
“Of course I’m proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”

Funny One Liners By Joker

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

I’m just driving this way to get you mad.

Keep honking, I’m reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen

The Ecominc Crisis

Here are the redefined definitions after the world economy slumped due to global recession. 🙂

1. CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer.

2. CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer.

3. BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

4. STOCK ANALYST – Stupid who just downgraded your stock.

5. PROFIT — A historic word no longer in use.

Kids Jokes

two monkeys were sitting in a bath tub one monkey turned around to the other monkey and said “hoo hoo ahh ahh”
the other monkey just said “well if its to hot put the cold tap on its not hard you know”

Which Gender is Intelligent?

A Proof of which Gender is Intelligent An English professor wrote the words:

” A woman without her man is nothing”

On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly..

All of the males in the class wrote : “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

All the females in the class wrote : “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

Small Funny Rhymes

my love 4 u will never die
until i meet another guy
——-
if i were a dog
and u were a flower
i’d lift up my leg
and give u a shower
——-

my love 4 u is like a rose
one thats dead and never grows
——-

beauty is on the inside
but some may doubt
if its true
i prefer u inside out

Funny Rhymes

My Love
I thought that i could love no other
until that is i met ur brother

Of Beauty
Of loving beauty u float with grace
if only u could hide ur face

To Tell u
To tell u wat u mean 2 me
would get me bleeped on live tv

Paper Bag
I want 2 feel ur sweet embrace
but dont take that paper bag of ur face

Ur Face

i see ur face when i am dreaming
thats y i always wake up screaming

My Feelings

my feelings 4 u
no words can tell
except 4 maybe
“go 2 hell”

Dumb Blonde

There was a blond, red-head, and brunette. So god says if u dont laugh at my 100 jokes u will go 2 heaven if u will laugh you will stay here on earth forever. So God tells the red-head 50 jokes and she laughs. then god tells the brunette 75 jokes and she laughs. then god tells 99 jokes to the blonde then she laughs. god asks “why did you laugh you only had one more joke to go?” the blonde says “i just got the first joke”.

Happy

There was a lady who was having a really bad day. She went to work and while sitting in traffic she rear-ended the car in front of her. The person got out of the car, and he was a midget. He looked at her and said, ” I am not happy!” She replied, “Then which one are you?”

Blonde Jokes

how do you drown a blonde?

stick a mirror at the bottom of the pool

how do you stop a blonde from drowning?

take your foot of her head

a blonde walks into a bar……”ouch”

two blones walk into a bar….you would expect one of them to see it