These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian says, “What’s meat?”
The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”
The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool – nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda.
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!”
There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.
The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps
After 2 hours it was Harry’s turn. He turned to the other two and said “Ok guys, here’s my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, “Do you know what I use this for?”
The navigator replied timidly, “No, what’s it for?”
The pilot responded, “I use this on navigators who get me lost!”
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and placed it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, “What’s that for?”
“To be honest sir,” the navigator replied, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”
A man was recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
The man replies, “I’m alright, but I didn’t like the FOUR-LETTER-WORD the doctor used in surgery.”
The nurse asked, “What did he say”?
“OOPS!!!”
A visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. “It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway.”
“Actually,” said the guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”
“Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?”
“Yes, indeed. He wrote a check.”
When Little Johnny got home, he told her dad that he got a 100 in school. His dad told her to sit down and tell him all about it.
Little Johnny said, “Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!
A photographer for a national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a big forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not my instructor?”
A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn’t know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away. Policeman: “License, registration and proof of insurance please.” Driver: “Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.” Policeman: “Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!” Driver: “Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!” The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man’s head and shoulders. Policeman: “Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?
To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, redneck too his wife to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. Wife said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.” “But, madam!”, replied the bellman. “Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued. “You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I’m going to complain to the manager.” “Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room; this is the elevator!”
Lawyer: Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?
Wife: I didn’t want to wake up the children.
Once there were two zebras. One zebra asked the other: “Am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?”
The other replied:Ask God.
That night before the first zebra went to bed, he prayed. God replied:”You are what you are.”
The zebra was confused by this, and the next day, he asked the second zebra what it meant. He replied:
I guess you are white with black stripes, otherwise he would have said ‘Yo is what yo is.’
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady’s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
“Wow!” the man said. “Can I take it for a test drive?” Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady’s house.
“Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?”
“My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money.”
A boy and girl were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. Boy reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes where as the girl looked at all this
”Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?” asked girl
”I don’t have to run faster than that tiger,” boy replied. ”I just have to run faster than you.”
A man hated his wife’s cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, “Jen is the cat there?” “Yes, why do you ask?” answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, “Put that cat on the phone, I’m lost and I need directions.”
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”
be gone your breath is to strong
no wait! you need a tick tack
not a tick not a tack!
you need the whole danm pack!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If i had a brick
I’d throw it at you
Kick the tables
kick the chairs
kick the teachers down the stairs
if it hurts em serves rite
blow em up with dynamite