Stanky Breath
Poof Be Gone
Your Breath is TOO strong
Wait come back
I think you need a tick tac
Not to be mean
But you need some Listerine
Not just a sip
Not just a swallow
But the whole damn bottle
Poof Be Gone
Your Breath is TOO strong
Wait come back
I think you need a tick tac
Not to be mean
But you need some Listerine
Not just a sip
Not just a swallow
But the whole damn bottle
# The legendary Mark Twain was born in 1835 and died in 1910. He was born on a day when Halley’s Comet appeared and before his death he said, “I came in with Halley’s Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it.” And he did died in 1910 when Comet appeared.
# History repeats itself is what we all know, here is a classic example of it. On February 13, 1746, Jean Marie Dubarry was punished because he had murdered his father. Exactly after 100 years, on February 13, 1846 another person named Jean Marie Dubarry, was punished because he had killed his father.
# Major Summerford was hit by lightning continuously through out his life and even after. The first time he was hit was in 1918. Then in 1924 again lightning struck him and paralyzed his body. He recovered from it in few years but to again fall for lighting as in 1930 he was again struck by lightning leaving him permanently paralyzed. In 1932 he died but lightning had still not left chasing him as in 1936, lightning struck his tombstone and destroyed it.
# In 1899, lightning killed a person in Italy. In 1929 his son was killed again by lightning and to make matters worse in 1949 his grandson was killed and the killer was again- Lightning.
A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.
What the driver didn’t know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
Policeman: “License, registration and proof of insurance please.”
Driver: “Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.”
Policeman: “Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!”
Driver: “Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!”
The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man’s head and shoulders.
Policeman: “Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?
This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
“I was only going 40!” the driver protested.
“Not according to my radar,” the officer replied.
“Yes, I was!” the man shouted back.
“No you weren’t!” the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man’s wife leaned toward the window and said,
“Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking.”
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.
As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary “I went to high school with you”. She recognized him and agreed with him.
Later as they were driving down the road Bill said “If you had married him you wouldn’t be married to the President”.
Hillary said “Oh yes I would–he would be President.”
One day President Obama fell off a bridge and was saved by three young boys.
Obama thanked them and said he’d give them all one thing in the whole world.
The first boy asked for a trip to Disney Land.. that summer he was in Disney Land.
The second boy asked for a pair of Nike Shocks and sure enough the next day he was wearing a pair of Nike’s.
The third boy asked for a wheel chair with a plasma TV, cup holders and hydrolics.
Obama, looking puzzled at the boy, asked why he wanted a tricked out wheel chair because he didn’t look disabled.
The young boy replied, “I will be after my father finds out that I saved you”.
A man dies, and he’s looking in the gates of hell.
There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, “Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that’s his punishment.”
The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks “What’s Bill Clinton doing with that model?” The devil replied, “Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life.”
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
“When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
“When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”
“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'”
Barrack Obama and Sarah Palin were sitting by each other on a plane. Obama thinking Palin was a redneck thought he could make some easy money by tricking her into playing a game.
He told her,” If I ask you a question, and you don’t know it, then you pay me five dollars. If I don’t know one of your questions, I’ll pay you FIVE HUNDRED dollars.
Palin agreed and Obama began the game by asking, “How many miles is it from the Sun to Jupiter?”
Not knowing Palin paid him five dollars.
Then Palin asked Obama,” What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?
After long hours of researching and consulting everyone he knew… he finally gave up and paid the five hundred dollars to Palin.
Then Obama asked, “So…what’s the answer. What goes up the hill with three legs and comes down with four?
Palin handed him five dollars. 🙂
George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, “I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.”
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, “Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it to you.”
Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
“Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home,” said Cheney.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, “See! That guy was really stupid.”
“No kidding,” replied George W. “There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead.”
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver “What’s that building there?” “That’s the Royal York Hotel” replied the cabbie. “The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?” asked the Texan. “About 12 years” replied the cabbie.
“12 years? We build ’em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.”
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. “What’s that building over there?” asked the Texan. “That’s the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre” replied the cabbie. “Convention Centre? How long’d it take to build that?” asked the Texan. “About three years” replied the cabbie. “Three years? We build ’em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.”
Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. “What’s that building there?” asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. “Danged if I know” replied the cabbie, “It wasn’t here when I drove by yesterday.”
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn’t find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, “Hey you, what are you doing?”
“I have to throw this away,” replied the tourist.
“You can’t throw it away here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “dump all the garbage you want.”
The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.
“Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?” asked the tourist.
“No. This is the American Embassy.”
A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
An Englishman, Frenchman, Indian, and Scottish were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ” We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive”
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Indian so he hollers “God Help Us” and he grabs the Scottish and throws him out of the plane.
A minister while going to Parliament asked his driver, Can you drive the car with your eyes closed?
Driver said,” No Sir.”
Minister taunted the driver, You cant even drive the car with eyes closed, and we are driving the entire country with closed eyes.
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.” The engineer said “No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.” The programmer said “I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”
A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.
“Excuse me sir,” the gentleman says to the salesman. “How much is this ring?”
“Ah, that’s a beautiful piece,” the salesman replies. “It goes for $10,000.”
“My God!” the man exclaimed. “That’s a lot of money!”
“Yes, but a diamond is forever.”
“Perhaps,” the gentleman replied, “but my marriage won’t last that long!”