An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig pen when the woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, William,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
“Gee, Betty,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
Jimmy’s mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football game.
“Talk to your son,” she said. “He refuses to obey a word I say.”
The father turned to Jimmy angrily. “Jimmy, how dare you disobey your mother. Do you think you’re better than your old man?”
Tom was reading the morning paper while his wife was getting very angry because it was 25th wedding anniversary but they had no plans for celebration.
“Tom!! Tom!! Put down that paper and let’s talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?”
Tom put his newspaper down, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, “How about two minutes of silence?”
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he’d like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife’s birthday.
“A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk.
“You bet,” answered the customer. “She’s expecting a cruise.”
My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits…and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, “I’m the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated.”
She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, “You’re the only one who has to.”
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”
Why do we all marry?
Because romance is not the only element of life.
We should also know horror, terror, suspense, irony, stupidity & tragedy of LIFE.
Golden Rule:-
To be happy with a man, love him little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman, love her a LOT and DO NOT TRY to understand her.
Question: If marriages are made in heaven, than what are made in Hell?
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Answer: The days after marriage!
Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
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Because per Constitution, you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE for the same Mistake.
Man at medical store:I need poison
Chemist: I can’t sell you that
Man shows his marriage certificate
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Chemist: Oh! sorry,
I didn’t knew u had a prescription.
When a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage-
It is love
When a man holds a woman’s hand after marriage-
It is self-defense
•In Germany, It is illegal to wear a mask.
•In Minnesota, it’s illegal to tease skunks
•In Oshawa, Canada it’s illegal to climb trees.
•In Montral, Canada, You may not swear in French
•Liquor stores may not sell milk in Indiana, USA.
•In China, to go to college you must be intelligent
•In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.
•In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.
•In Switzerland, You may not wash your car on a Sunday
•In Vermont, It is illegal to deny the existence of God
•In Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light
•In Paulding, Ohio, a policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.
•In Halethorpe, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second
•In Switzerland, it is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 PM.
•The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub
•In Eureka, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women
•In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.
•In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.
•In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.
•In San Francisco, it is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear
•In Thailand, it is illegal to leave your house without wearing underwear.
•In Singapore, Chewing gum on subways may result in fines and/or jail time
•In Waterloo, barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7am and 7pm
•In Minnesota, a person may not cross state lines with a duck atop their head
•In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.
•In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.
•In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.
•In Victoria, Australia, It is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday.
•It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on in North Dakota, USA.
•In Texas, It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing
•In Oklahoma, Violators can be fined, arrested, or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
•In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
•It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.
•Clinton County, Ohio, calls for a fine for anyone caught leaning against a public building.
•In South Korea, Traffic police are required to report all bribes that they receive from motorists
•In Singapore, it is illegal to come within 50 meters of a pedestrian crossing marker on any street.
•In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.
•In Nebraska, A parent can be arrested if her/his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
•In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.
•In Alaska, you may hunt a bear safely but it is illegal to wake a bear and take a picture for photo opportunities.
•In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.
•In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.
•In Alabama, putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death and keeping an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time is a crime.
•You must pay a fine of $600 in Thailand if you’re caught throwing away chewed bubble gum on the sidewalk. If you do not pay the fine, you are jailed.
Man : Is there any way for long life?
Doctor : Get married.
Man : Will it help?
Doctor : No, but the thought of long life will never come.
Q: During Indian Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom made to sit on the horse?
A: He is given his last chance to run away…!!
Father O’Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter’s gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, “What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?”
The man responds “My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years”
“Very well,” says St. Peter, “Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord.”
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks “What is your name and what did you accomplish?”
He responds, “I’m Father O’Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord.”
“Very well,” says St. Peter, “Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter.”
“Wait a minute,” says O’Flannagan, “You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?”
“Well,” St. Peter replied, “We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!”
BATH LAW: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
THEATER RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will!
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, “Sorry, mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why no Ma’am, what is it?”
“Did we land or were we shot down?”
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:
“Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”
Two men are walking in the woods when suddenly one falls down and appears dead. The other hastily calls 911 and says “Operator you have to help me. my friend fell down and he looks dead!” The operator then says, “Okay, i’m going to need you to remain calm. First check to make sure he’s dead.” the man says “Okay hold on a second.” The operator then hears a gunshot and the man comes back on. “Okay, what now?”