Importance of Time

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a Redneck feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The Redneck would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The Redneck would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the Redneck , “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!”

The Redneck looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”

To Save Marriage

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little stone on a very vast beach.

The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, “If you wish to save your marriage, you’d better be a little boulder.”

Deck The School Halls

(Sing to the tune of “Deck the Halls”)
The halls were decked with toilet paper.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Teacher blamed me for that caper.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Called me names that I can’t mention.
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Now we both are in detention.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Creative Thief

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

Wife Meets Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.” Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

A Tried And Trusted Employee

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, “I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”

The banker said, “Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.”

PC Cup Holder

Caller: ‘Hello, is this Tech Support?’

Tech: ‘Yes, it is. How may I help you?’

Caller: ‘The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.How do I go about getting that fixed?’

Tech: ‘I`m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?’ Caller: ‘Yes, it`s attached to the front of my computer.’

Tech: ‘Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It`s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional offer, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?’

Caller: ‘It came with my computer, I don`t know anything about a promotional. It just has `4X` on it.’

Tech: Sir, that’s the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive and not a cup holder.

Cockroaches

Husband: Do you have and cockroaches?

Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.

Husband: I would like 20,000 of them.

Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?

Husband: I’m moving tomorrow and my wife says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.

Lesson From American Movies

A few things American movies taught their kids-

1 Chinese have nothing better to do than teach or practice kung fu.

2. More than 50% of the US Population are FBI/CIA agents may be working undercover and behind all attacks on US, the actual conspirator will be a Russian.

3. If a man has survived a mishap with a lady. then he is entitled to a kiss, no matter whether he met the lady only that very day.

4. The purpose of school system in USA is to promote basketball

5. Aliens have a special interest in attacking US!!

Birdie Poem

Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I’m a big girl I won’t cry,
I’m just glad that cows don’t fly.

Is That Your Dog?

A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”

“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?”

“Sir,” answered the little man, “it’s a little four week old female puppy.”

“Bull!” roared the biker, “how could your puppy kill my Doberman?”

“It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.”

The Rabbit And The Snake

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.

The rabbit says, “You feel me first.” The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.

He says, “Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet…”

The rabbit says, “I know! I’m a rabbit! Yippee!” Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, “Okay, you’re long and thin, and slimy all over, and there’s a little forked tongue…”

The snake says, “Oh no, I’m a lawyer.”

Money Talks

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

Looking Around

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what’s going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, “Pardon me. May I help you with something.”

The blind man says, “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”

Never talk to the parrot

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn’t accommodate her with an “after-hours” appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won’t bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!”

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn’t resist saying, “You stupid bird, why don’t you shut up!”

To which the bird replied, “Killer, get him!!!”

Walking Economy

This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.”

The friend asks, “How so?”

“My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”

Blonde in a Plane

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, “BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO…..”

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts “Be silent!”

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, “OEING! OEING! OEING! OE….”

Psychic Hotline

A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

“Great,” says the frog, “Will I meet her at a party?”

“No,” said the psychic, “Next year – in biology class.”

Saving Time

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”

“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten…”

Perfect Men

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”

An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”