Funny Junk

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?

9) Is lighter fluid flammable?

8 ) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?

7) Are knives sharp?

6) Can sharks hurt a human?

5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?

4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?

3) Can I eat broken glass and live?

2) Can dogs talk?

1) Are blondes really dumb?

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI.
“Well,” says the personnel director, “you’ll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.

” Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

“Also,” says the director, “you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.”
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

“There’s one last requirement,” the director continues; “you must be bilingual.” With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, “Meow!”

An manager walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, “I want coffee”.

The waiter says, “Sure Sir, coming right up”.

He gets the manager a tall mug of coffee, and the manager drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the manager returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “I want coffee”.

The waiter says, “Whoa, we’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway”?

The manager smiles and proudly says, “I am training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day.

Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man walking below. One of the balloonists calls down to him:

“We’re lost! Can you tell us where we are?”

The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down again, stares into space for a minute, and then cries out:

“You’re in a balloon!”

The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment, one balloonist says to the other:

“That man must be a manager.”

“Why?”

“Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer. Second, he was perfectly correct. Third, his answer was perfectly useless!”

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don’t know. Those who know are no problem.

Those who don’t know are also in two groups.

One is those who don’t know and know they don’t know. Well, they can learn!

But then, there are those who don’t know, and don’t know they don’t know. And they become unit managers!

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.

To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked , “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old creep dig. I had him buried upside down.

Computer users are divided into three types:

Novice Users – People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users – People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users – People who press the keys that break other people’s computers.

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.

“Wow!” he said. “Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn’t sick!”

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it… and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female..gives man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

DEC = Do Expect Cuts

WWW = World Wide Wait

IBM = I Blame Microsoft

CA = Constant Acquisitions

SCSI = System Can’t See It

ISDN = It Still Does Nothing

DOS = Defunct Operating System

MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs

APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

BASIC = Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months