Motherly Advice
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, “Yes, ma’am, he did. My dad said that he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”
Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, “I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!” “That bad, huh” “She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more fish than me!”
US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
Ques. Where do fish sleep?
Answer. In a river bed
Ques. What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
Answer. You can’t tuna fish.
Ques. Why you should never tell a joke on ice. while fishing?
Answer. The ice will crack up!
Ques. what do you catch when you go ice fishing
Answer. A cold
Ques. what did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?
Answer. Damn
Ques. Where do fish keep money?
Answer. In a river bank
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. with all the equipments needed. The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”
The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
Engineering College : Place where you are punished for getting good marks in high school.
Hopeless Practical : The practical in which there are no girls in our group.
Practicals : 90 minutes in which we watch the girls do our experiment, and usually destroy lab equipments.
Fresher : Guy who has to ask where the canteen is
Really Dumb Fresher : Guy who asks a senior where the canteen is.
Professor : Person paid to put students to sleep.
Lectures : Waste of time. Physical presence is a must…only meant for sleeping and completing assignments
Jim had awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.He told the fish salesman…
“Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”
“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”
“But, why?”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughly. She prefers that for supper tonight.”
A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?” The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.” “Pet fish?!” the warden replied. “Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.” “That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!” The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.” “O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?” “Well, what?” the man respond ed. “When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted. “Call who back?” the man asked. “The FISH” “What fish?” the man asked.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered “C”.
Couldn’t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said “2 to 4 years”
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,”Are there any gators around here?”
“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years.”
“Feeling Safe”, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,”How’d you get rid of the gators?”
“We didn’t do anything,” the beachcomber said.
“The sharks got ‘em.”
In Tucson, it is illegal for women to wear pants.
A bed may not be hung out of a window, in England.
In Charleton, all carriage-horses must wear diapers
In Italy, A man may be arrested for wearing a skirt
In Switzerland, Clothes may not be hung to dry on Sunday
It is illegal to own a mongoose without a permit in Idaho
In Tennessee, It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish
In Port Huron, the speed limit for ambulances in 20 m.p.h.
In Houston, it is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday
Mince pies are not to be eaten on Christmas Day, in England.
In Racine, WS., it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep
In Cleveland, it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license
In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset
In China, you may only have one child, or you will have to pay a fine.
In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no matter how dirty they get
In Michigan, Under State law, dentists are officially classified as “mechanics.”
In Michigan, a woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission
In Etobicoke, Canada Bylaw states that no more than 3.5 inches of water is allowed in a bathtub.
In Beaconsfield, Canada, it is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
In Richmond, Virginia, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
In Florida, A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or they risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
In Saudi Arabia, It is considered an offense if a woman appears in public, unless accompanied by a male relative or guardian.
New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
In St. Louis, it is illegal for an on-duty firefighter to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown; in order to be rescued, a woman must be fully dressed.
In Indiana, Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs.
In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being “an unsightly or disgusting object” are banned from going out in public.
In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can’t be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife’s consent to beat her with a wider strap.
Tim once took his small cousin with him while he went fishing: When he returned, he was looking very fed up. “I’ll never do that again,” he complained to his Dad. “Did she frighten off the fish?” inquired Dad. “No,” replied Tim. “She sat on the bank and ate all my maggots.”
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”
The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”
Boy friend is fun,
Husband is gun,
Boy friend is light of moon,
Husband is month of June,
One man goes to a shop to purchase an umbrella. He had been told that one could bargain for better prices in this shop
Man: How much does this umbrella cost?
Shopkeeper: Rs. 200
Man: Can I have it for Rs. 100?
Shopkeeper: Ok I’ll give it to you for Rs.150.
Man: Well can I have it for Rs. 75 then?
Shopkeeper: OK, take it for Rs. 100.
Man: Can I have it for Rs. 50?
Thus shopkeeper is pretty angry now: Why don’t you take it for free?
Man: OK, can I have two of them?
Most successful Happy married life is Defined as.
.
.
.
.
“Yet to be seen”
A person who surrenders when he’s WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE.
A person who surrenders even if he’s RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden. “I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato,” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
“No,” said the farmer, “I get a dime for a tomato like that one.”
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, “Will you take two pennies for that one?”
“Yes,” replied the farmer, “I’ll give you that one for two cents.”
“OK,” said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer’s hand, “I’ll pick it up in about a week.”
The owner of a company tells his employees:
You worked very hard this year therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I ‘ll give everyone a check for $5000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks.