A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
“They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
“Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
George went fishing, but at the end of the day he had not caught one fish. On the way back to camp, he stopped at a fish store.
I want to buy three trout, he said to the owner. But instead of putting them in a bag, throw them to me.
Why should I do that? the owner asked. So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish!
Little Johnny sat on the side of the road with a fishing line down the drain. Feeling sorry for him, and wanting to humor him, a lady gave him 50 cents, and kindly asked “How many have you caught?”
“You re the tenth this morning,” said Little Johnny
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.” 19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man “why didn’t you raise your hand?” The man replied: “Too much trouble, sarge.”
Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.”
Canadians: “Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”
Americans: “This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, DIVERT YOUR course.”
Canadians: “No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.”
Americans: “This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north…that’s one-five-degrees North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.”
Canadians: “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”
Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer’s statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.
Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you’ll never do enough.
Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
Old Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.
1. It’s not a laugh to practice barking at 2 a.m.
2. It’s wrong to back your kid into a corner and then guard him.
3. He shouldn’t jump on your bed just after taking a bath.
4. The cats just like them have every right to be in the living room.
5. Getting up does not mean we are going for a walk.
1. Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2. Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
3. Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
4. Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
5. Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.
6. First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
7. Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
8. Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4 ?
Little Johnny: That’s not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one !
* I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
* I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn’t actually reach it.
* I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
* I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
* I couldn’t figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. “Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” he asked the man.
“I’m a mathematical logician dealing in the nature of proof.”
“Yes, go on,” said the astounded judge.
“Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card.”
“And?” said the judge.
“And he asked ‘Can you prove you are from New York City?’ …So I stabbed him.”
A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying “I differentiate you!”
One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him andsaid “I differentiate you!”, but for once, his victim’s expression didn’t change. Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly “I differentiate you!”, but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out “I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!”
The new patient calmly looked up and said, “You can differentiate me all you like: I’m e to the x.”
This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork.
“About two hours,” says the conductor.
“OK,” says the drunk “then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?”
The irate driver says to the drunk “It’s still about two hours. Why’d you think there’d be a difference?”
“Well,” says the drunk, “It’s only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it’s a long time between New Year and Christmas!”
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Morgan thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
“How about some perfume worth $50?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.
“That’s a bit much,” said Morgan , so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
“Thats still quite a bit,” Morgan groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”
The clerk returned with a mirror and handed him to Morgan.
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The kid says, “Yeah.”
The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse’s brain instead of on his back.”
A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.
So he sets it on a table, along with a note “I spit in this beer” hoping that no one will steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying “Me too!”
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her lips like cherries – that’s my girl.
Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.