Wife Drank Petrol
Once a man ran to the Doctor,’ my wife accidentally drank some petrol. Now she is running in the house. What should I do?’
Doctor smiled, ‘Lock all the doors and windows in the house. She will stop when the petrol is over.’
Once a man ran to the Doctor,’ my wife accidentally drank some petrol. Now she is running in the house. What should I do?’
Doctor smiled, ‘Lock all the doors and windows in the house. She will stop when the petrol is over.’
1. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would’ve fit.
2. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
3. I really don’t deserve this.
4. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
5. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
One day blonde Samantha asks her friend Rosy, “So Rosy what did you get for Christmas?”
Rosy, “Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?”
Samantha says, “OOOOH WOW!!! I got the same exact color tie!”
A man goes into library and asks for a book on suicide. Librarian looks him and says,
.
.
Who will return the book back!
Three ants saw an elephant coming.
Ant 1: we will kill him
Ant 2: we will break his legs
Ant 3: Forgive him guys, he is alone and we are 3.
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I’m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. How the hell can you just leave me with a yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What were you thinking, will I be very happy to see those bullshit gifts of yours? Don’t let me see you trying to climb down my chimney next year. I’ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you’ll have to walk back to the North Poll, just like what I have to do now since you didn’t get me that bike. Next year you’ll find out how bad I can be, you plumpy old man.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”
He said, “I heard the nurse say, It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry. I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”
Doors of all public buildings must open outwards.
Hunting and killing a deer while swimming is illegal.
It is against the law to put livestock on a school bus.
It is against the law to dream about another man’s wife or cow.
If you wish to go swimming in the ocean, you must get dressed in your hotel room.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
One may not whisper in church.
No sand may be taken from the beach.
Women must not drive while wearing a house coat.
No person shall change clothes in his or her vehicle.
Horse racing is not allowed on Good Friday and Easter Sunday.
No person shall pretend to sleep on a bench on the boardwalk.
Ugly men are not allowed to go into the city before darkness.
Changing into or out of a bathing suit in a public restroom is prohibited.
It is against the law to see a UFO.
You will be fined $1 if you frown in public
It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.
You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.
You aren’t allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
It is unlawful to walk under a ladder.
Catapults may not be fired at buildings.
Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
Boulders may not be rolled on city property.
Couches may not be placed on outside porches.
It is illegal to crash into obstacles on a ski slope.
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
Cats tails are chopped if they meow in the dark.
It is against the law for children over the age of eight to wet the bed.
A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered two slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts. ‘Would you like a cherry on the top ?’ asked the waitress. ‘No, thanks,’ said the girl, ‘I’m on a diet !’
A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”
The man replied, “Yes, I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.
The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said,”Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that that was good.
The chemist said that his dog could do better still.he called to his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, “What can your dog do?”
The government worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker’ compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They all agreed that that was brilliant!
There was a mosquito and a dog who loved each other a lot. One day the mosquito got excited and gave a love bite to the dog.
The dog became emotional and returned the love bite to the mosquito.
The next day…
Mosquito died of rabies and dog died of malaria…
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed.
Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?” The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”
The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”
The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret….
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re single. ‘Want to have some fun?'”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,”Hi, we’re single, want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”
Once upon a time, there was a river. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.
One fine day, the bear was sitting and enjoying his breakfast of berries. Then he heard rabbit yelling at him.
“Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your over here. I’ve got something to show you!”
“Not now! I’m eating.”
“Oh come on!” said the rabbit. “It’s really important.”
“No way.”
“Please. It’s urgent.”
So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.
“Well, rabbit,” he panted. “What did you want to tell me?”
“Hey, Teddy,” the rabbit began, “look how many berries are on the other side of the river.”
A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn’t doing well at all.
After checking the bull’s vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill.
He forced open the bull’s mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.
Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way.
The vet exclaimed, “Well, looks like your bull is healed!”
The farmer replied, “Now give me one of those pills. I’ve gotta catch him!”
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”
9. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
10. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.