A man walks into a bar and asks the Bartenders , ‘Was I in here last night?’
‘You certainly were,’ replies the Bartenders .
‘And did I spend a lot of money?’
‘You spent over £100’, replies the Bartenders .
‘Thank god for that,’ says the man, ‘I thought I’d wasted it.’
A smartly dressed man entered a plush Manhattan bar and took a seat.
The bartender came over and asked: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”
“Nothing, thank you,” replied the man. “I tried alcohol once but I didn’t like it,and I haven’t drunk it since.”
The bartender was a little perplexed but being a friendly, outgoing sort, he pulled out some cigarettes from his pocket, flipped the top of the pack and offered one to the man. But the man refused, saying: “I tried smoking once, didn’t like it, and I have never smoked since. Look, actually, I wouldn’t be in here at all, except that I’m waiting for my son.”
To which the bartender said: “Your only child, I presume?”
A teacher decided to show the ill effects of alcohol and cigarette to the class and thus four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the class, the teacher reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the teacher asked the class,”What did you learn from this demonstration?”
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, ‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, ‘Do you serve women in this bar?’
‘No,’ replies the barman, ‘you have to bring your own.’
Old Patient: “It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone’s mouth.”
Dentist: “I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.”
Teacher : Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What’s that?
Teacher : With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.
Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention?
Student: I’m paying as little attention as I can.
Teacher asked Little Johnny: How can you prove the earth is round?
Little Johnny replied: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.
Teacher asked : Why are you late for school?
Johnny: Because of the Sign.
Teacher : What Sign?
Johnny : The sign that says “School ahead go slow”
The teacher said to Little Johnny, “What important in the 1700’s people did not have that we have Today.”
Little Johnny said, “ME.”
Teacher:(I killed a person.)tell me this sentence in future tense.
Student: In future tense, (You will go to jail.)
One day the kids in Ms. Evans science class was disagreeing with her. Ms. Evans was talking about evolution. Ms. Evans was and atheist so she didn’t believe in God.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said, “But I thought God created mankind?”
Ms. Evans then replied, “Well can you see God?”
“No.”
“Hear God?”
“No.”
“Feel God?”
“No.” This went on for quite a while.
“Well then God doesn’t exist.”
Then Johnny whispered back to his friend Jimmy, “Can you see Ms. Evan’s brain. No, so that must not exist.”
Teacher: Children nothing is impossible! Impossible itself says I M Possible
Little Johnny :Sir,then take out the tooth paste from the tube and put it back!!!
A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who’ll predict her future: Lady, I’m sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.
Don’t tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!
What book do you like the most?
Woman: “My husbands checkbook.”
A blonde got a job as a road line-painter. She paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.
“You get worse and worse every day!” yelled his boss.
“That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day.” said blonde with a cute smile.
A woman went to see the doctor about her weight and said , “Have you got any dieting remedies or anything that can help me loose weight?”
The doctor replies, “Yes we do, all you need to do is shake your head from left too right?”
She says, “WOW that’s amazing, um… when do I do it?”
The doctor says, “Next time your ordered food.”
Welcome to California. Now go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
What part of “no” don’t you understand?
Don’t be stupid. We have politicians for that.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Don’t wash this vehicle – undergoing scientific dirt test
Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it.
One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.
The fire chief says, “Well, you look like a good guy. I’d be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test.”
The firechief takes the mathematcian to the alley behind the fire departmentwhich contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, “OK, you’re walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What doyou do?”
The mathematician replies, “Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire.”
The chief says, “That’s great… perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you’re walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?”
The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and he finally says, “I light the dumpster on fire.”
The chief yells, “What? That’s horrible! Why would you light the dumpster onfire?”
The mathematician replies, “Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I’ve already solved.”
An old farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
“Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the……”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, “I’m fine!’?”
Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road….”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well… as I was sayin’, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin’ her down the highway when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin’ real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moanin’ and groanin’. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Real soon a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin’ and groanin’, too. So, he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are YOU feeling?’
Now what the heck would you say?”