Doctor with Teaching Abilities

A man walks into his doctor’s office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, “I can’t talk! Help me!”

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man’s thumb with it as hard as he could.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! !!” the man yelled.

“Good, good,” the doctor said. “Come back tomorrow and we’ll work on the `B’.”

Who Cares

The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly.”

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?”

“Oh, yes” the mother answered. “They do wonders for me.”

“And how is your son now?” he asked.

She replied, “Who cares …”

Words of a Doctor

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”

“And did he?”

“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”

25 Newspaper Headlines Which Will Make You Laugh

Deer Kill 17,000

Eye Drops off Shelf

War Dims Hope for Peace

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Include your Children When Baking Cookies

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Honk If

Honk if you love me.

Honk if anything falls off.

Honk if you are just a honker.

Honk if you want to see my finger.

Honk all you want, i’m deaf.

Keep honking, i’m reloading.

Mathematicians Afraid To Drive

Why mathematicians are afraid drive a car?

Because the width of the road is negligible comparing to its length.

Pneumonia Specialist

Doctor!!

What happened?

I have fever.

Ok, go back to your home; take a bath with ice cold water, then lie under fan for 12 hours without any clothes. Come back tomorrow.

I will be fine then?

No. you will get Pneumonia.

What?

Don’t worry. I am only a Pneumonia specialist.

Early Shopping

It was Christmas and the lawyer was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,”What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the thief.

“That’s no offense”, said the lawyer. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened.”

Drunker and his Neighbor

A drunkard was coming home from a local liquor shop late at night. He lived alone and locked his house whenever he went out.

As he neared his house he took out his key to open the lock, but he could not manage to put the key into the hole.
After trying this repeatedly, he was tired.

A neighbor who was witnessing the scene took pity on him and said, “Give me the key I will get it open for you.”
The drunkard looked for a while, and said to him, “The lock will be opened by me, but do me a favor, please hold the house firmly, while I do the rest. Damn it, it is shaking like a pendulum.”

Santa Is A Geek

Similarities between Santa and Geeks shows Santa is A Geek

1. Santa is bearded, obese, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving a definite answer are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers you directly but when it comes to mail he is superfast.

4. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.

5. Nobody can demand answers from Santa for his actions.

Guy vs Girl

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, “Would you like to dance?”

The girl says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you.”

The guy says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.”

Beer has Female Hormones

Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists gave100 men 24 bottles of beer each.

The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.

Enjoying at Bar?

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the bar, so one night he took her along. “What’ll ya have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one gulp.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.

“Yuck, that’s nasty poison!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

Seven Impossible Things To Say when Drunk

1. No thanks, I’m married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

4. I’m not interested in fighting you.

5. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!

6. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

7. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Polish Joke

A guy walked into a bar and said to the bartender: “I’ve got this great Polish joke.”

The bartender glared at him and warned him: “Before you go telling that joke, I I think you ought to know that I’m Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish.”

“OK,” said the guy. “I’ll tell it slowly.”

Great Country

A farmer from Europe visits his son in America for the very first time. They went to a local supermarket.

farmer : “Vas diss, powdered orange juice?”

Son: “Yeah, Dad. You just add water, and you have fresh orange juice!”

A few minutes later, in a different aisle the farmer says: “And whats dis, powdered milk?”

Son: “Yeah, Dad. You just add water, and you have fresh milk!”

A few minutes later, the farmer says: “Und give look here. Baby Powder! Vat a country! They take da fun outta everyting!”

Dentist and Patient

Patient: Doctor, my teeth…

Doctor: I know what to do. Open your mouth.

When the patient opened his mouth and the dentist pulled three of his front teeth.

Patient: What have you done?!

Doctor: Its weird, I pulled three of your teeth without any bleeding.

Patient: Those were fake teeth.

Two News

Doctor: Mr. Jones, I have two news for you. One is good and the other one is bad. Which one you want to hear first?

Mr. Jones: tell me the bad one.

Doctor: The bad news is, both your legs have to be removed.

Mr. Jones: And the good news?

Doctor: I will buy all your shoes cheaply.

Lord Army

Robbie was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Robbie by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, ‘You need to join the Army of the Lord!’

Robbie replied, ‘I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.’

Pastor questioned, ‘How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?’

He whispered back, ‘I’m in the secret service.’

Which End?

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: ‘Is this pig?’ Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: ‘Which end of the fork are you referring to?’