A person walks into a bar and orders a beer. “That will be one dollar,” says the bartender.
“One dollar!” the customer protests, “Last week it was only fifty cents!”
“Well,” replies the bartender, “it’s fifty cents for the beer and fifty cents for the Tsunami Donation.”
Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a dollar, but was surprised as the bartender gave him back fifty cents and says, “We are out of beer.”
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.
The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.
“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“I thought it might be an grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?” “Ummm – perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”
“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied.
“What’s so funny about that?”
“I’m a gynecologist.”
The car sped off the highway, went through the guard rail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
“Good lord, mister,” he gasped, “Are you drunk?”
“Of course,” said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. “What the hell do you think I am … a stunt driver?”
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The patient said, “Give me the good news.”
The doctor said, “They’re going to name a disease after you.”
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s probably a duck,” shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, “Hmmmm…green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound…might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that was a duck.”
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
‘Let’s have a party, Homer,’ she suggested. ‘Let’s kill a pig.’
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. ‘Geeee,’ he finally answered, ‘I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.’
Patient: You couldn’t treat my malaria disease, don’t I have cancer?
Doctor: No, why do you think that?
Patient: Another doctor treated my friend as a malaria patient, but he died on cancer.
Doctor: Relax, I don’t do much mistakes. If I treat anyone as a malaria patient, he always dies due to malaria.
Derek: I thought there was a choice for lunch today.
Josie: There is.
Derek: No, there isn’t. There’s only cheese pie.
Josie: You can choose to eat it or leave it.
Doctor: Hello. I’m calling about the check you wrote. It came back.
Old Patient: So did my arthritis.
A woman called her doctor to complain about her husband’s snoring. “Is there anything you can do?”
“Well, there is one operation that will cure your husband, but it’s rather expensive. $1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months.”
“My god!” exclaimed the woman, “that’s like leasing a sports car!”
“Hmm,” the doctor murmured. “Too obvious, eh?”
Patient: How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?
Doctor: Fifty dollars.
Patient: Fifty dollars, for only a few second’s work?
Doctor: Well, I will do it very slowly.
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
‘Is it true,’ she wanted to know, ‘that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? ‘
‘Yes, I’m afraid so,’ the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, ‘I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.’
Doctor: Mrs. Samantha, you look exhausted.
Samantha (A blonde) : I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.
An old patient goes to a doctor.
Doctor: “What is it that’s brought you here?”
Patient: “An ambulance. Why?”
A patient complained to his doctor, “I’ve been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.”
The doctor calmly replied, “Just wait until the autopsy, then you’ll see that I was right.”
1) The farm was used to produce produce.
2) We must polish the Polish furniture.
3) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
4) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
5) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
6) I did not object to the object.
7) They were too close to the door to close it.
8 ) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
9) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
Old Man : Doctor doctor, I think I need glasses.
Waiter: You certainly do, you’ve just walked into a fast food joint!!
I’m not driving fast-just flying low.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I brake for… Wait… Aaah! No brakes!!!!!
If you can read this, i’ve lost my trailer.
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.
If you can read this, please flip me back over.
I’m out of bed and driving,what more do you want?
Every time i find the meaning of life, they change it.
I haven’t lost my mind, it’s backed up on disk somewhere.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
A doctor walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, he pulls a thermometer out of his pocket and tries to write with it.
Finally noticing he said, “Well, that’s just great……. ..That’s really great……. …Some one’s got my pen.”