Mathematics consists in proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way.
– George Polya
Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.
Mathematics is the art of giving the same name to different things.
– J. H. Poincare
“Mathematics is a game played according to certain simple rules with meaningless marks on paper.”
– David Hilbert
Teacher: “Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?”
Little Johnny: “It’s 42!”
Teacher: “Very good! – And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?”
Little Johnny: “It’s 24!”
You are always late to meetings.
You know what http:// stands for.
You can’t read your own handwriting.
All your sentences begin with “what if”.
You want an 24X CD ROM for Christmas.
You can understand anything Al Gore says.
Your IQ is a higher number than your weight.
The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
You bought your wife a new DVD Writer for her birthday.
Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea what you do at work.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You spend more time on your home computer than in your car.
Your idea of a “good read” is the Edmund Scientific catalog.
Your spouse sends you an email instead of calling you to dinner.
You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
You order pizza over the Internet and pay for it through your home banking software.
You talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.
An Old Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Irritated by this question he answers : No… I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little Hohnny and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Born to shop
Wink, i’ll do the rest!
I brake for no apparent reason
Why be difficult – be impossible
Sorry, i don’t date outside my species.
All men are idiots….I married their king.
I need someone really bad…Are you really bad.
I may be fat, but you’re ugly – i can lose weight!
Men call us birds, we pick up worms.
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”
Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets.
Woman: When will he have these?
Doctor: It’s for you, not for him.
Old Patient: I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors.
Shocked Doctor : Why didn’t you come to me earlier?
The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick old man and said,
“I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?”.
“Yes,” replied the old man faintly, “Another doctor”.
A old man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the old man stammers, “Ohhh! doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
The Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
An old man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word!”
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes, Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”
A guy is at the bar, just staring at his drink, when suddenly bartenders steps up next to him, takes his drink, and gulps it down.
The guy starts crying.
Bartenders says, “Come on, man, I’ll buy you another drink. For Christ sakes, don’t cry.”
The guy says, “You don’t understand. This has been the worst day of my life. First, I sleep late, and when I get to my office, my boss fires me. When I get to the parking lot, I find out my car is stolen. I get a cab home, and when I get there, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in my desk at work. The cab driver doesn’t believe me, and kicks me. So I come to this bar, and just when I’m thinking about ending it all, you show up and drink my poison.”
Hang up and drive.
Your college sucks.
I is a college student.
You! Off my planet!
Boldly going nowhere.
If you’re rich, i’m single.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
Forget the flag. Burn a politician.
Warning! I brake for hallucinations.
Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
If the music’s too loud you’re too old.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.
Earn cash in your spare time…Blackmail friends.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
Patient: Doctor, give me a medicine which will change my mood to an angry mood.
Doctor: You don’t need any medicine. One of my slaps will be enough.
A woman visited a Doctor.
Woman: Doctor, I have a problem. I am…
Doctor: I know your problem. You always dream that you have become a horse, right?
Woman: How do you know?!
Doctor: Your pony tail hair style.
Mom: Johnny, there were two chocolate cakes yesterday, and now there’s only one. Why?
Johnny: I don’t know. It must have been so dark I didn’t see the other one.
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your Oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.” “Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”