Funny Junk

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean? $300?”

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. “Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside “Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys “Yours is.”

Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

Wife: Because I married the wrong man!

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books. Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door. “Oh darling” he gushed, “Come here. Let me look at you. Let me hold you! Let’s have a fine dinner out. I’ve missed your lovin’ so much.” The wife, keeping her distance, said, “All in good time lover. First, let’s hear you play that harmonica.”

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?” The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!” The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What s kills to you bring to the Air Force?” The young man says, “I chop wood!” “Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?” “I chop wood!” “Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!” “Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!” “Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!” The young man rolls his eyes and says, “So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

An old man enters a hospital to have a minor operation.

A nurse begins to take down his information: name, insurance company, etc.

“In case of emergency, whom should we notify?”

“You mean if I become very sick?”

“Well . . . yes.”

“If that happens, call a doctor!”

Art student – this question is out of syllabus.

Commerce student – problem is not well defined.

Doctor – research in progress but no result found.

Engineering student -So simple…
2+2=0
two+two=0
tw(0+0)=0
Now (0+0)=0/tw
than 0+0=0
0=0

ENGINEERS ARE INCREDIBLE !

Years of development.
(It finally worked.)

Fax it to me.
(I’m too lazy to write it down.)

No maintenance.
(If it breaks, we can’t fix it.)

We’re following the standard.
(We’ve always done it this way.)

I haven’t gotten your email.
(It’s been days since I’ve checked my email.)

We’re trying a number of different approaches.
(We still guessing, at this point.)

The project is in process.
(It’s so tied up in red tape that it’s completely hopeless.)

We’ll have to abandon the entire concept.
(The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We’re preparing a report with a fresh approach.
(We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

We’ll look into it.
(Forget it! We’ve got so many other problems already, we’ll never get to it.)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured.
(We’re so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Civil Servant : Someone who isn’t civil and doesn’t serve.

Nurse : A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

HR Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Psychologist : Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room.

Statistician : Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an engineer.

Programmer : Someone who fixes a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

Consultant : Someone who uses your wife’s watch, tells you the time,and then charges you for it.

Economist : An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Banker : Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it back when it starts to rain.

You are fascinated by Calculus

You know by heart the first fifty digits of PI.

You know ten ways to prove Pythagoras Theorem.

Your telephone number is the sum of two prime numbers.

You are sure that differential equations are a very useful tool.