The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.” “That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “May I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”
Maria was going on an ocean cruise, and she tells her doctor that she’s worried about getting real seasick.
The doctor tells him, “Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.”
Maria says, “Will that keep me from getting sick?” The doctor says, “No, but it’ll look real pretty in the water.”
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.
Practical Nurse – One who falls in love with a wealthy old patient.
Off duty Nurse – The nurse who can smile when things go wrong.
LPN – Low Paid Nurse.
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: “Do you know they are all out of step except you?” “What?” asked the recruit innocently. “I said — they are all out of step except you!” thundered the sergeant. The recruit replied, “Well, sarge, you’re in charge — you tell them!”
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.” The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”
There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions “What happened on June 6, 1944?” “We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!”
“What was the turning point of world war 2?” “Battle of the bulge, sir!”
“What’s is the importance of May 12” The Man thought and thought “I don’t know, sir!” The superior then said “Well, I’ll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday”
John and Juan join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody who’s on the streets after 6 o’clock. So one day, they’re out at twenty to 6, when Juan spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. John is shocked. “What are you doin’, Juan? It ain’t 6 yet!” “I know what I’m doin’. I know where he lives and he wouldn’t have made it!”
Let me tell you about my doctor. He’s very good.
If you tell him you want a second opinion, he’ll go out and come in again.
———–
Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn’t paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
———–
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, “Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he’s invisible.” The doctor said, “Tell him I can’t see him.”
———–
One patient came in and said, “Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.” The doctor asked, “When did it start?” The man replied, “When did what start?”
———–
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: “Don’t answer it.”
———–
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
———–
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, “I wish you had come to me sooner.”
Little Johnny came rushing in to his Dad. “Dad!” he puffed, “is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?”
“That’s what they say,” said his Dad.
“Well, give me an apple quick ? I’ve just broken the doctor’s window!”
An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”
“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”
“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.
“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
Coca Cola went to town,
Diet Pepsi shot him down.
Dr Pepper fixed him up,
now we’re drinking 7up.
7up got the flew, now we’re drinkin Irn Bru.
Irn Bru fell down a mountain,
now we’re drinking from a fountain.
Fountain broke. People choke.
Now we’re back to drinking coke.
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: “All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!” Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse’s back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: “All right, just half of you this time!”
During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was. After everyone had answered, he sneered and said “you are all wrong, the army is now your home”. Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say “you bet I do” the sergeant replied, “men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess. Where do you think you are? Home?
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. “My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.” “Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.” “I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.” “Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know. “Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”
Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story…
After listening he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the wall!”
Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, ‘I’ll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $100 but on one condition.’
The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, ‘What’s your condition?’
Phil answered, ‘Tell me your wish in just three words.’
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, ‘Clean my house.’
Two pilgrims go out hunting. One has two blunderbusses (guns).
The second pilgrim asks, “Why do you have two blunderbusses?”
The first pilgrim explains, “I usually miss the first time I shoot. By taking two I can shoot again”. The second pilgrim thinks for a while and then says, “Why not just take the second one, and only shoot once?”
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when a PFC knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to enter, then said into the phone, “Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.” Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, “What do you want?” “Nothing important, sir,” the PFC replied, “I’m just here to hook up your telephone.”
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft’s sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: “Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I’m stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?”
1. Your mail goes to four addresses in two countries before it reaches you.
2. You know the Tricare regulations/procedures better than their service reps.
3. You are strangely attracted (or repulsed) by the color green.
4. You can calculate the cost of a 5-minute phone call from any country, any time, on up to four different calling plans.
5. At a distance, you can pick out your husband from 100 other men with identical haircuts and clothes.