Funny Junk

As in many homes on New Year’s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important – the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

“See?” she said, continuing to smile, “You didn’t miss a thing.”

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.” He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. “And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly. “The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one th ing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

School teacher asked Little Johnny, “Do you believe in the Devil?”

“No,” said Little Johnny. “It’s the same as Santa Claus. I know it’s my daddy.”

Teacher to Little Johnny – Tell me one thing which flies in the sky but gives birth on earth

Little Johnny replies in a fraction of second- Air Hostess

A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. “Fancy meeting my wife here,” he says to the clerk. “Guess I’ll need a double room for the night.” Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. “What’s the meaning of this?” he yells at the clerk. “I’ve only been here one night!” “Yes,” says the clerk, “but your wife has been here for three weeks.”

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. “I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. “Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?” “Well, we work for the county government, ” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Are n’t you wasting the county’s money?” “You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us–me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.” “Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean we can’t work, does it?”

Slap your cuffs on me, I’m your prisoner, of love.

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you’d be guilty as charged!

Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!

Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.

Are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.

You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Ferrari.

Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And baby, I’m lost in them.

If you were a tear in my eye, I wouldn’t cry for fear of losing you.

I don’t know which is prettier today, the water, the sky or your eyes.

I bet it was hard for God to make your eyes out of crystal clear ocean water.

I don’t know if you’re beautiful or not, I haven’t gotten past your eyes yet.

They say the eyes are the mirror to the soul. You must have one beautiful soul.

When I look into your eyes, it is like a gateway into the world of which I want to be a part.

If I were a tear drop I would be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

Is your Dad an astronaut? Because someone took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

I’ve been looking at your eyes all night long, because I’ve never seen such dark eyes with so much light in them.

In Alaska’s National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: “Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic.” To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. “Also,” he said further, “be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings.” One tourist asked, “How do you identify bear droppings?” “Oh that’s easy,” the guide explained, “its the ones with all the tiny bells in them!”

1) Get some jello and mash it up with some tiny bits of balled up lettuce. Stuff it up you nose. When someones watching, fake a sneeze all over your hands.

2) Place a coin on the ground and wait for someone to bend down to pick it up. As they do, tear a piece of fabric and they’ll think they just burst their pants.

3) Fill a large brown envelope about 70% with shaving foam. Close over the flap but don’t seal it. Place it part way, flap first under a friends door and call them to get it. When you hear them walking towards it, jump on the back end of the envelope and shaving foam will spray everywhere.

4) Call somebody and when they pick up say “may I help you?. ” Act like they called you.

5) Tie a thin, almost invisible piece of thread to a coin and place it on the ground. Wait for someone to bend down towards it and pull it away at the last second.