A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk!
He runs around and yells, “Hey, bud, this is my car!” “OK,” the man says, “You take the front and I`ll take the back.”
A redneck, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel’s clerk about the time of meals.
“Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8,” explained the clerk.
“Look here,” inquired the farmer in redneck, “when am I going to get time to see the city?”
A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant, “Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare’s birthplace?” “Ay, straight on, sir,” said the rustic, “but no need to hurry. He’s dead.”
A police officer once say a hiker walking along the road carrying a sign which read “To Seattle.”
He asked “What are you doing with that?”
“I’m walking to Seattle,” said the hiker, “and I don’t want to lose my way.”
Robin went to a very expensive jeweller shop and asked for a ring to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.
The jeweller asked, ‘Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?’
Robin thought for a moment,and said, ‘No, instead engrave “To my one and only love”.’
The jeweller smiled and said, ‘Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.’
Robin with a grin on his face said, ‘Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.’
“If you had a dollar,” quizzed the teacher, “and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?”
“One dollar.” answered little Johnny.
“You don’t know your basic math.” said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, “You don’t know my daddy.”
In the week before Thanksgiving Little Johnny was asked to write a paragraph entitled: ‘What I am most thankful for on Thanksgiving Day’.
Little Johnny wrote: ‘I am thankful that I’m not a turkey at Thanksgiving.’
A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
“Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?” asked the airline passenger.
The clerk replied, “It`s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
Little Johnny – Because so many witches are sweeping the sky.
The minister of the church was giving a Thanksgiving service.
A ragged man in the audience asked, “What is there to be thankful for?”
Surprised, the minister replied, “What is your name,sir?”
“Cause,” was the reply.
“Well Cause, you could be thankful for your healthy body…”
“I’m blind and I have lung cancer”
“…or your family…”
“I don’t have a family”
“…or your home…”
“I don’t have a home.”
“Well, then I guess your a lost Cause!”
Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.
Fresh fried fish, Fish fresh fried, Fried fish fresh, Fish fried fresh.
If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won’t wish the wish you wish to wish.
A twister of twists once twisted a twist; A twist that he twisted was a three-twisted twist; If in twisting a twist one twist should untwist; The untwisted twist would untwist the twist.
I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn’t the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn’t have thought so much.
Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven’t seen each other for years. As they are talking one woman notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says…
“My what a magnificent ring.”
Her friend relies, “Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes with my husband!”
The teacher wrote on the blackboard: “I ain’t had no fun in months.”
Then asked the class, “How should I correct this sentence?”
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, “Get yourself a new boyfriend.”
One day, Little Johnny’s grandmother sent him to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma’s house as fast as he could.
“Where’s my bucket and my water?” She asked.
“I can’t get any water from that water hole, there’s a mean old alligator down there!”
“Now don’t you mind that old alligator, Johnny.
He’s been there for years, and he’s never hurt no one.
Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Grandma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”
You are what I want for Christmas.
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it
I’ve got you on my “nice and naughty list!
Even Santa doesn’t make candy as sweet as you.
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you
Shouldn’t you be sitting on top of the tree, Angel?
How about I slip down YOUR chimney, at half past midnight?
Can I take your picture? (Why?) Because I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
Please do not be alarmed if a big man wearing a red suit picks you up and throws you into a bag. (Why?) Because I asked for you for Christmas.
Q. What do witches use in their hair?
A. scare-spray
Q. Where do most goblins live?
A. in North and South Scarolina.
Q. What do you call a little monsters parents
A. mummy and deady
Q. Why did the skeleton go disco dancing?
A. to see the boogy man.
Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton?
A. Napoleon bone-apart
Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
A. The Vampire State Building.
A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet over his head. “Are you here as a ghost?” asked his friends. “No,” he replied, “I’m an unmade bed.” Another boy wore a sheet over his head. “Are you an unmade bed?” asked his friends. “No, I’m an undercover agent,” he replied
Teacher to Little Johnny – When is your birthday?
Little Johnny – 17th July.
Teacher – What year?
Little Johnny – Every year!
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
“Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter.
“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked.
“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”