What did you get for your birthday?
Another year!
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What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays.
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Why was the ticket checker’s son having a cake on a train seat?
It was his berth-day.
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,‘I‘ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her 60th birthday.‘Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn‘t get her anything. She says, ‘Why didn‘t you get me a birthday present!?‘He replies, ‘You didn‘t use what I got you last year!‘
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he’d like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife’s 60th birthday.
“A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk.
“You bet,” answered the customer. “She’s expecting a cruise.”
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.
A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
‘I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ his friend says.
‘I’m in the process of quitting,’ the man says.
‘Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.’
‘What’s phase one?’
‘I’ve quit buying.’
A husband asked his wife what she wanted for her 40th birthday.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asked.
“Not really,” said the wife.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” said the husband.
“No,” she responded
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggested
She again rejected his offer.
“Well what would you like for your birthday?” the husband asked.
“I’d like a divorce,” answered the wife.
“Sorry, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” said the husband.
Little Johnny : Mom, do you know what I’m going to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No, dear, what?
Little Johnny: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I’ve got a nice teapot.
Little Johnny: No you haven’t. I’ve just dropped it.
A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your 40th birthday?” She said, “I’d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
It’s my wife’s 30th birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know, she said . Just give me something with diamonds.”
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
A young couple returned from honeymoon, the bride ran to the phone and called her mother, who asked, “How was your honeymoon, dear?”
“Oh, mama!” she replied, “The honeymoon was so wonderful and romantic…” But then, suddenly she burst out crying and said “but, mama, as soon as we returned home, he started using the most horrible language… things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!”
“Darling, darling,” her mother said, “calm down and tell me, what words could be so awful?”
And, the daughter cried “please don’t make me tell you, mama! I’m so embarrassed – they’re just too awful! Just come and get me, please!”
“Oh, darling, you must tell me what has you so upset… tell me these horrible 4-letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama… words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK…!”
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.
He went back in a month and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?”
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying “Ehhhh… 22!”
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces “Five foot two!”
This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won’t have to count, measure, or lookup.
“Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying “MANDY!”
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks – “What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?”
“Ohhhh, that!” replies the airhead… ” I was just running through that song – ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear..
Little Johnny walked into the house covered in filth. His mom asked, “Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?”
Johnny replied, ” I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.”
Little Johnny was going to his grandparent’s house one day and he was packing everything in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.
He was walking to his grandparent’s house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill. He started up the hill but was constantly swearing “This damn thing is so heavy”
A priest heard him and came out.
“You shouldn’t be swearing” said the priest.
“God hears you…He is everywhere…He’s in the church…He’s on the sidewalk…He’s everywhere”
Then Little Johnny says “Oh is he in my Wagon”
The priest replies “Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon”
Little Johnny says “Well tell him to come out and start pulling”
Husband: Why didn’t you give me anything for my birthday?
Wife: You told me to surprise you.
Flights never leave from Gate- 1 at any terminal in the world.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land .
600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel.
please instruct! Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot.
repeat after me: “Our Father, which art in heaven . . .”
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?”
The girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Two Yanks touring London in a taxi. What is that asked one of the Yank’s. Why that is Buckingham Palace answered the taxi driver. Well you should see the states we have much bigger houses over there, and that. That is the Post Office Tower. Oh our towers are much bigger. This went on for much of the day until they went past a another building. Our buildings are much bigger than that one too. I thought it might be said the taxi driver, That is the mental institute
A redneck checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.
Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?” T
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”
The redneck says, ” Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”