Funny Junk

An interoffice baseball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.

To show just “how” the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

“The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2007 baseball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year.

The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game.”

A large two-engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!
– Joey Adams

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
– Unknown

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
– Unknown

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account
– Oscar Wilde

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
– Bill Vaughan

New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
– James Agate

New Year’s Day…now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
– Mark Twain

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.
– Anais Nin

New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.
– Mark Twain

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,”said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts.

“I`d like a soda, said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something.

“Yes, I would, he replied. “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!

Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”

Little Johnny replies, “A teacher.”

The School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say your prayers before eating?”

“No sir,” little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.”

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message “Bad Command or File Name” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you”.

1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Johnny had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition.

His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Johnny ‘s 21st birthday came around, he and his friend Jill took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Johnny stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned!

Jill just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Johnny went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he said, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked deeply into Johnny ‘s troubled eyes and answered, “Because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you idiot.