Funny Junk

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, “Look, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already.”

A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light.

When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class.

The judge looked at her sternly and said: “So that’s you my schoolteacher Ms. Enigma I am about to realize my childhood dream. Ma’am You sit down at that table over there and write ‘I went through a stop sign.’ FIVE HUNDRED TIMES’ then show me.”

Two blonde sisters were lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly, one blonde jumps out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and goes downstairs.

Finally she comes back up to bed and says, “The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?”

Blonde says, “I’ve put their dog in our yard – now we’ll see how they like it!”

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. He turned to a co-worker and said,

“I wonder how long he’s been waiting to cross?”

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure”, she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hindlegs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.

“$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”

The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have only been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.”

Blonde Samantha’s hair kept falling out and she complained to the barber “That stuff you gave me is terrible! You said two bottles of it would make me hair grow, but nothing’s happened.”

“I do not understand it,” said the barber. “That is the best hair restorer made.”

“Well,” said Samantha, “I do not mind drinking another bottle, but it better work!”

A Singaporean, a Chinese and an Indian were asked to compare their Leaders with a National Landmark or Monument (man made or natural).

The Chinese wrote, “My leaders are like the Great Wall of China…old, but still as strong as the bricks in the Wall.”

The Singaporean wrote, “My leaders are like the many highrise buildings in Singapore. They build our nation and bring us to greater heights.”

The Indian wrote, “My leaders are like the Himalaya Mountains. They have been around for a long time, doing nothing.”

The elderly American Navy Soldier arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

“You ‘ave been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

“Zen, you should know enough to ‘ave your passport ready for inspection.”

The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible. You Americans alwayz ‘ave to show your passports on arrival in France!”

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in the war of 44; I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to!”

A women saw a little old man with a big smile on his face, sat rocking in a chair on his porch. She walked up to him and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look. What’s your secret for a long happy life”?

He said, “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a case of whiskey a week, I eat all the fatty foods I can, and never do any exercise”.

The women said, “That’s amazing. How old are you now”?

He replied, “Twenty six”.

A woman came storming at the Postal counter. She gave a parcel Pick-up notice and complained, “This morning, your mailman came with our parcel for delivery. He left this note for us to pick up from Post office, but my husband was home all the time. Why could not he knock our doors and deliver parcel at home?”

The Post master was polite and apologetic. He went inside brought the parcel and delivered it to the lady. Then just casually he asked, “Ma’am what is inside this parcel that upsets you so much?”

The lady replied, “My husband’s first new hearing aids.”