Little Johnny and Little Samantha were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
“Have you ever seen one of these before?” asked Little Samantha
“Yeah, my mom has one,” Little Johnny replied
Little Samantha – “What’s it for?”
Little Johnny “It’s a cursing machine, Every time my mom stands on it she gets really upset, and curses.”
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.
The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.
“You must mean the lift,” he said.
“No,” the American responded. “If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.”
“Well,” the portiere answered, “over here we call them lifts”.
“Now you listen”, the American said rather irritated, “someone in America invented the elevator.”
“Oh, right you are sir,” the portiere said in a polite tone, “but someone here in England invented the language.”
A man driving in Southern Indiana, heading for Kentucky, saw a sign that read: “LAST CHANCE FOR $1.55 GAS!!!”
He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he’d better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank cheap.
As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, “So, how much is gas in Kentucky?”
The man replied, “$1.25.”
Blonde 1: That dress is too tight for you. It’s skintight!
Blonde 2: It’s tighter than my skin.
Blonde 1: How could anything be tighter than your skin?
Blonde 2: I can sit down in my skin, but I can’t in this dress.
I wanted to take my kids to the movies but did not want to wait on line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the theater to buy them over the phone.
I asked, “How much is a ticket?”
They said, “Ten dollars.”
I asked, “How much for children?”
They said, “Same price, Ten dollars.”
I said, “The airlines charge half fare for children.”
They said, “OK, put your kids on a plane to somewhere, and you come to the movie. You’ll enjoy it a lot more that way.”
Little Johnny had been searching through a stationer’s stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked,
“Just what is it you’re looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend? An anniversary, or a congratulations to your mom and dad?”
Little Johnny shook his head and answered, “No….got any blank report cards?”
An old man walks into the tax collector’s office and sat down and smiled at everyone.
“May I help you?” said the clerk in charge.
“No,” said the old man. “I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years.”
A Blonde goes to the bank and applies for a loan.
“I want a loan, I’m going to divorce my husband.”
“Oh, we don’t give loans for divorces” the manager says, “We make loans for appliances, automobiles, businesses, home improvements….”
Blonde interrupts and says, “Well, this is certainly a ‘Home Improvement.’
During the minister’s prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
Little Johnny’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Johnny, whomade you do such a thing?”
Little Johnny answered, soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!”
A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, “Hey, where have you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”
The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”
The one dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff – church, church, church.”
A man who was buying a sports shirt found the largest size was even not fitting.
“Where do I go from here?” he asked the clerk
“To the gym,” she replied.
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half.”
“Just bring me a size eight.”
The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain.
He turns to the salesman and says, “I’ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed for bankruptcy, and my son just wouldn’t listen to me. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off.”
A Blonde wandering in the Sahara was wearing a bathing suit and sunglasses.
An Arab which passed by her gazed at her in amazement and asked, “What are you doing all the way out here dressed like that!?”
“I’m going swimming,” the blonde explained.
“But the ocean is eight hundred miles away,” the Arab informed him.
“Eight hundred miles!” the blonde exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation. “Boy, wow, what a beach!”
A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes.
“I’ll have a ‘jumbo jet,'” he said.
When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway.
He called his waiter over. “Was that the ‘jumbo jet?'” he asked.
“Yeah,” the waiter answered. “Went pretty fast, didn’t it?”
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
“Excuse me,” she said, “I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?”
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, “Not bad.”
Two strangers were waiting for the bus and started to talk to each other.
First person: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Second: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
First : Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
Second: I’m not. I’m her mother.
Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.
As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then said, “Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did.”
“Yes it did,” the fireman admitted. “I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!”
A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, “I don’t know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.”
When the passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.”
Her next announcement came an hour later. “If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!”
At a dancing party a shy boy approached a girl and asked, “Will you dance with me, please.?”
The arrogant girl says, ” I don’t dance with a kid.”
The taken back boy apologized, “I am sorry, I did not realize your were pregnant.”
A redneck is riding in a cab when they see a guy kicking a woman who’s lying on the sidewalk.
The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady.
Redneck rolls down the window, and starts yelling, “Stop it! Stop it! Stop the meter!”