Little Johnny was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked him what the bracelet was for.
Little Johnnyreplied, “I’m allergic to nuts and eggs.”
The person asked, “Are you allergic to cats?”
Little Johnny said, “I don’t know….. I don’t eat cats.”
An aspiring young actor asked a young lady’s father if he could have his daughter’s hand in marriage. The father said: “I would never let my daughter marry an actor.”
The actor said: “Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won’t you at least come and see the play?”
So, the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor: “You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You’re no actor.”
John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table. The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
“No thanks,” said John, “I’ll just have a cup of black coffee.”
“I’ll have black coffee, too,” Jake said. “And please make sure the cup is clean.”
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.
“Two cups of black coffee,” she announced. “Which one of you wanted the clean cup?”
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it. Fifty people deceived! Fifty people deceived!”
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, “There’s nothing in here about fifty people being deceived.”
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, “Read all about it. Fifty-one people deceived!”
A blonde on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, “Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?”
“The glaciers brought them down,” said the guide.
“But where are the glaciers?”
“The glaciers,” said the guide in a frustrated tone, “have gone back for more rocks.”
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, “If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.”
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh, yeah?” the man exclaimed “And where the hell were you when I got married?”
A successful marriage is based On give & take:
Where husband gives money,Gifts, dresses n wife takes it
Where wife gives advices, lectures,Tensions & husband takes it..!!
A husband and wife were sitting and taking about their upcoming marriage anniversary. Husband asks her wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
Wife – “Somewhere I have never been!”
Husband – “How about the kitchen?”
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
-Anonymous
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
– Oscar Wilde
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
– H. L. Mencken
A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women, and yet has the art to remain a bachelor.
– Helen Rowland
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
– Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a man who comes to work each morning from a different direction.
– Sholom Aleichem
One evening two bachelors were talking over dinner. The conversation drifted from sports to politics, and then to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said the first bachelor. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked his friend.
“You said it, “the first guy replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…'”
Two women were discussing their married life, one said, “Seems like all me and my husband ddois fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.
“Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another 15 pounds first.”
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said,
“That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”
The clerk smiled and said,
“Rain…”
At the end of the Cricket World Tournament the Indian manager decided to address the players.
‘Guys out of 10 teams we finished at the bottom, that’s pretty bad.’
‘It could have been worse,’ captain said.
‘How so?’ asked the manager.
‘There could have been more teams.’
The cruise director of a cruise ship was demonstrating to a group of young passengers how the ship manages to stay level at sea.
“Do you know what level means?” he asked the group of six to eight year-olds.
Little Johnny replied immediately. “A level is something you need to pass to get to a harder screen in a video game.”
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed.
I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was more than ample room in the back.
Then…….the bus driver took over.
“Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen,” he shouted. “Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front.”
When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”
An old lady went at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. One of the contemporary paintings caught her eye and she inquired of the tour guide, “What on earth is that?”
He smiled condescendingly. “That, dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and child.”
“Well, then,” snapped the little old lady, “why isn’t it?”
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, want to play house?”
He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”
The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”
“Communicate my feelings?” said a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means.”
The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband then.”
A salesman telephoned a household, and Little Johnny answered. Salesman: “May I speak to your mother?”
Little Johnny: “She’s not here right now.”
Salesman: “Well, is anyone else there?”
Little Johnny: “My sister.”
Salesman: “O.K., fine. May I speak to her?”
Little Johnny: “I guess so.”
At this point there was a very long silence on the phone.
Then:
Little Johnny: “Hello?”
Salesman: “It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.”
Little Johnny: “I tried. But I can’t get her out of the playpen.”
A priest who was walking through a small town saw a blackboard outside the front door of a school. It had been washed and put out to dry in the open air. There was a piece of chalk at the foot of the blackboard.
The priest took the chalk and wrote in large letters, “I’m a priest and I pray for you all.”
A lawyer happened to pass next and when he saw what the priest had written, he added under it, “I’m a lawyer and I defend you all.”
Then, a doctor came by, took the piece of chalk, and wrote on the blackboard, “I’m a doctor and I cure you all.”
Finally, an ordinary citizen stopped, looked at what the others had written, thought for a few seconds and then added, “I am an ordinary citizen and I pay for you all.”