Girl and Salesman
Girl: “Whats the price of this blue dress?”
Salesman: “$700”
Girl: “Awwww….!”
Girl: “And that pink one?”
Salesman: “Awwww + Awwww…
Girl: “Whats the price of this blue dress?”
Salesman: “$700”
Girl: “Awwww….!”
Girl: “And that pink one?”
Salesman: “Awwww + Awwww…
John: Is that beautiful car yours?
Matt: It is and it is not.
John: What do you mean?
Matt: When it is for shopping, it is my wife’s. When it is for a party, it is my son’s. And when it needs petrol, it is mine.
A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, “You are the reason I don’t have a wife”, second bottle, “You are the reason I don’t have my children”, third bottle “You are the reason I lost my job”.
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says “Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved”.
When we were looking to buy property I had this overzealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, “Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people.”
I replied, “Yeah, I agree, but couldn’t the same be said of Hell?”
A drunkard arrived at J.F.K. Airport and as soon as he came out he started to cry. He was crying so loudly that crowd gathered and asked,”What happened?”
The drunkard said. “I’ve lost all my luggage!”
“How’d that happen?” asked a concerned person
“The cork fell out of the bottle and now all I am left is an empty bottle” said drunkard.
Samantha took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost.
The hair cutter replied, ” $75″.
“I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!” said Samantha
The hair cutter replied, “Yes, but you don’t bite, do you?!”
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, “Please, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me.”
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn’t realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, “I’m sorry, it’s really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving dead bodies to mortuary for the last 25 years.”
Little Johnny was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” Little Johnny responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”
“Easy,” Little Johnny said.
“All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
Little Johnny was at a wedding and was enjoying each moment of it. While returning home with his mother he asked, “Why did the lady change her mind?”
Mother asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.” said Little Johnny with a surprised look.
Please just stop,
Your making my stomach turn into a knot,
Your breath is kicking,
You have peoples eyes twitching,
So get 2 tic tacks or maybe the whole damn pack
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gate’s technology and you are probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant; transported by Indian lorry-drivers.
Father and son were sitting and talking randomly.
Dad: My son, You are now 18 years old. It is the best time to discuss with you about love and dating.
Son: Sure dad, Please ask me your doubts. I am here to help you out!!
A man goes to book store and says – I need a book on topic “Short ideas on full control on women.”
Salesman: Sir, Please move into our next row of ‘fiction section’.
A son and dad are discussing about marriage and Son asks his dad: Please tell me the difference between mom and wife?
Dad: Mom is the one who brings you into this great world crying and wife is the one which ensures you continue crying..
Little Johnny and Jacky are talking to each other.
Jacky says, “What does your dad do for a living?”
Little Johnny says, “He is a lawyer.”
Jacky says, “Honest?”
“No, just a regular lawyer.” says Little Johnny
Two blondes were talking about geography. One of them said it is possible to see England from Canada.
The other blonde looking rather confused said, ” I don’t think so”
The first blonde said, “See how close they are on the map.”
Two friends Monty and Jonty were sitting in a park and drinking beer.
Monty said “I think I’m going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over 6 months.”
Jonty sips his beer and says, “You better think it over – women like that are hard to find.”
Customer: I am sorry waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I don’t have anything left for a tip.
Waiter: That’s all right, mister. Let me just add up that bill again.
The soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies were keeping him awake with argument about a window.
One wanted it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor.
“Conductor,” said one, “if that window is opened, I’ll just freeze to death!”
“And if it is kept closed,” whined the other, “I’ll suffocate.”
The poor conductor didn’t know what to do and finally turned to the GI for help.”What would you do, soldier, if it were a military problem?”
“In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack. Open the window and freeze one of them, then close it and suffocate the other.”
One day an old person drove to his best friend’s barn farm and noticed his barn was on fire.
“Your barn’s burning down,” he yelled.
“I know it,” said the other old person , “I’m sittin’ here prayin’ for rain.”