1. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
2. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced,you can’t be promoted.
3. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in and say nothing about the other.
4. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
5. There is never enough time to do it right the first time but there is always enough time to do it over.
Brick Wall
Waterfall
Girl You Think You Know It All
But You Don’t
I Do
So Poof With Your Attitute
Resses Pieces
7 Up
You Mess With Me I Mess You Up
There is nothing more expensive than a female
tear…..
.
.
.
When a single drop comes out,it first mixes with “loreal”
eyeliner and “Dior” mascara 😉
.
then when it comes down to cheek….
it mixes with D&G blusher 🙂
. .
and in case it touches the lips,,
it gets mixed with “Maybelline” lipstick
this means that a single drop is worth atleast $50 😀
Teacher : What happens when CarbOn MOnOxide reacts with 2 MOlecules Of IrOn??
Student : COFFEE !!
Teacher : HOW ??
Student : CO + 2Fe = COFFEE !!
Teacher Shocked Student Rocks !!
Marriage is – An event which is called “tying the knot” – unfortunately, the knot can be a noose.
Marriage is – A word which always means commitment – but so does insanity.
Marriage is – The joining of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them.
Marriage is – The only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech.
Marriage is – A status which depends upon two to be successful but only one to turn into a failure.
Marriage is – A condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting.
“If you think I want you back,
then you must be smoking crack!”
Two blondes are in a dark hole one says “man it’s dark down here”
The other says “yeah i’m not sure I can’t see”
Girl Came Angrily Out Of Boss’s Cabin
A Friend Asked- Why are you so sad?
Girl- He Asked Me are you Free Tonight?
I Said Absolutely Free Sir…
That idiot Gave 60 Pages To Type! 🙁
Two lawyers are in a bank, when two robbers burst in. While one of the robbers take the money from the tellers, the other one lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, then proceeds to take their wallets, jewelry, etc. While this is going on one lawyer jams something into the other lawyers hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, “What is this?” The first lawyer replies, “It’s that $50 I owe you.”
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a warning sign that read: “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the door. Inside, he noticed a harmless little dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner. “Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?” “Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
Little Johnny goes to the manager at convenience store and asked, “Is this store open all day, seven days a week, 365 days a year?”
“Yes,” the manager answered, puzzled at the question.
“Well, then,” he continued as he walked out, “why are there locks on the doors?”
Distance between California – San Jose= 68 km
.
.
Distance between San Jose – California = 68 km
.
.
Ground Floor to 15thFloor = 15 floors
.
.
15th Floor to Ground Floor = 15 floors
.
.
Monday to Friday = 5 days
.
.
Friday to Monday = 2 days
.
.
THIS IS CHEATING!!!!!!
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him £10 and that continues for a year. Suddenly the daily donation changes to £7. 50.
“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”
A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes £5.
“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor. “First you give me £10 every day, then £7.50 and now only £5. What’s the problem?”
“Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to university. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.
“Four,” the man replies.
“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”
A mechanic called one of his customers, a bank officer after a check bounced. “The check you sent me to pay your bill has bounced!” He yelled!
The officer replied,”well, so did all my car problems that you fixed!”
A man who isn’t qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit, he will give him a job.
Another employee points out to the owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.
The owner replies, “Yah, I know. That’s my way of getting rid of that pest!”
Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.
The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.
“Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit. But tell me, what in the world happened to you”?
“Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it. He said it fit him great. As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!”
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb partial coach is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
Two rednecks were sitting next to each other. One says to the other, “I have such a big farm I could climb in my truck, and it would take me two days to get across the whole farm!”
The other redneck turns back to him and replies, “My kid also used to have a truck like that!”
Because they’ve spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home.
Dave has a drunken idea. “Let’s steal a bus!”
He persuades Eric to break into the bus station. But 20 minutes later, Eric has failed to emerge.
Dave sticks his head round the door. “What on earth are you doing?”
“I can’t find a number seven anywhere,” says a distressed Eric.
“You idiot,” shouts Dave, shaking his head in disbelief. “Just steal a number nine. We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way.”
Two cannibals are at the Jungle Olympics 100 metres final.
“I’m so hungry, I think might eat a couple of those runners later,” says one. “Would you care to join me?”
“No, thanks,” says the other. “I think I’ll just have the starter.”
A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
The nonsmoker says, “Sir, I couldn’t help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?”
“Four.”
“How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“That’s over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn’t smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building.”
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?”
“Never.”
“Do you own this building?”
“No.”
“Well, I do.”