Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that’s okay. The soup isn’t hot.
The real estate agent says, “I have a good, cheap apartment for you.”
The man replys, “By the week or by the month?”
The agent answers, “By the garbage dump..”
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb “to walk” in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ….
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run …
Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can’t buy more?
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don’t know which side to write the other 5!
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Headmaster: I’ve had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”
The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’
The patient to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’
The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’
The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday. Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.