Odd one out
whose left the odds out?? Arent he supposed to be in the same league???
whose left the odds out?? Arent he supposed to be in the same league???
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, “Call for my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I’d check out the same way.”
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”
Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
“Alright,” the lawyer says looking through his papers. “You owe me $1000 down and $410 each month for the next thirty months.
“What! That sounds like a car payment schedule,” retorted the client.
“Your right. It’s mine.”
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.
“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter.
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A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”
“You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”
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Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, “Where are we?”
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A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant answered, “No, we won.”
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!” The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”
The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”
“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.
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Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
“How much does it cost for engineer brain?”
“Three dollars an ounce.”
“How much does it cost for programmer brain?”
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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
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A lawyer’s dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”
“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
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An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: “How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away ?”
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.
He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says “meow” in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.
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A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she’d been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “green side up!”
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
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