As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: “Do you know they are all out of step except you?” “What?” asked the recruit innocently. “I said — they are all out of step except you!” thundered the sergeant. The recruit replied, “Well, sarge, you’re in charge — you tell them!”

Let me tell you about my doctor. He’s very good.
If you tell him you want a second opinion, he’ll go out and come in again.
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Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn’t paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
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While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, “Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he’s invisible.” The doctor said, “Tell him I can’t see him.”
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One patient came in and said, “Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.” The doctor asked, “When did it start?” The man replied, “When did what start?”
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I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: “Don’t answer it.”
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When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
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You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, “I wish you had come to me sooner.”

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.

Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, “That’s it.”

Teacher: How much is half of 8

Little Johnny: Up and down or across ?

Teacher: What do you mean ?

Little Johnny: Well,up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0

An Old Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.

Doctor: Are you thirsty?

Irritated by this question he answers : No… I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.

Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets.

Woman: When will he have these?

Doctor: It’s for you, not for him.

The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick old man and said,

“I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?”.

“Yes,” replied the old man faintly, “Another doctor”.

Patient: Doctor, give me a medicine which will change my mood to an angry mood.

Doctor: You don’t need any medicine. One of my slaps will be enough.

Mom: Johnny, there were two chocolate cakes yesterday, and now there’s only one. Why?

Johnny: I don’t know. It must have been so dark I didn’t see the other one.