A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant, “Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare’s birthplace?” “Ay, straight on, sir,” said the rustic, “but no need to hurry. He’s dead.”
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A police officer once say a hiker walking along the road carrying a sign which read “To Seattle.”
He asked “What are you doing with that?”
“I’m walking to Seattle,” said the hiker, “and I don’t want to lose my way.”
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In the week before Thanksgiving Little Johnny was asked to write a paragraph entitled: ‘What I am most thankful for on Thanksgiving Day’.
Little Johnny wrote: ‘I am thankful that I’m not a turkey at Thanksgiving.’
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“Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?” asked the airline passenger.
The clerk replied, “It`s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.
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Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
Little Johnny – Because so many witches are sweeping the sky.
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The teacher wrote on the blackboard: “I ain’t had no fun in months.”
Then asked the class, “How should I correct this sentence?”
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, “Get yourself a new boyfriend.”
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Teacher to Little Johnny – When is your birthday?
Little Johnny – 17th July.
Teacher – What year?
Little Johnny – Every year!
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The Teacher asked Little Johnny, “How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?”
Little Johnny replied, “Just Don’t bite any.”
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School teacher asked Little Johnny, “Do you believe in the Devil?”
“No,” said Little Johnny. “It’s the same as Santa Claus. I know it’s my daddy.”
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Teacher to Little Johnny – Tell me one thing which flies in the sky but gives birth on earth
Little Johnny replies in a fraction of second- Air Hostess
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A patient goes to doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor, I’m so ugly. What can I do about it?”
Doctor replies candidly,” Hire yourself out for Halloween parties.”
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A Redneck was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, over-sized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.
“Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” she sighed.
“No more,” redneck said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!”
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In an interview, reporters asked a 111 year old man, ‘What do you think is the best thing about being 111?’
He replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
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Teacher: “Where did the Pilgrims ( of thanksgiving) come from?”
Little Johnny: “Their parents, of course!”
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A man was disturbing a nurse by asking lame questions every now and then, he asked, “How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Nurse: “Cut your head off.”
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“What do you do?” a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. “I’m a nurse.”
“I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me,” he whispered in her ear.
“That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward.”
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We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.’
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The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they’re stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
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Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of bats, creepy-crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis.
Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?
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Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.
Practical Nurse – One who falls in love with a wealthy old patient.
Off duty Nurse – The nurse who can smile when things go wrong.
LPN – Low Paid Nurse.
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