Clockwork
Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That’s because you’ve got your hand on my watch!
Email This Post
Short Funny Jokes - Page 12
Email This Post
Check Weight
An irate woman burst into the baker’s shop and said, “I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest you check your scales.” The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, “Ma’am, I suggest you weigh your son.”
Email This Post
Lawyer Gang
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.The gang was very happy to escape.
“It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted., “We got $25 between us.”
The boss screamed, “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers… we had $100 when we broke in!”
Email This Post
Good Looks
While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. “You know, honey,” she said sweetly, “Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.”
“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”
Email This Post
Just Like Father
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, “I’ve found a man just like father!”
Her mother replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”
Email This Post
Practical Example
Math Teacher : If a=b and b=c then a=c, now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.
Student : I love you sir and you love your daughter which means I love your daughter.
Email This Post
Wrong Finger
At the party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
Email This Post
Good Trade
A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend stops him and asks, “Hey! Whacha get the case of beer for?”
“I got it for my wife, eh.” answers the first man.
“Oh!” exclaims the other, “Good trade.”
Email This Post
Call Help
Wife to her husband: Wake up. Some thieves have broken into our house. I think they are now eating the food I made last night.
Husband: Oh! Let’s better call the ambulance then.
Email This Post
Slow Clock
A wife complains, “A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”
Her husband mumbled, “Clock always was slow.”
Email This Post
Don’t Be Super Intelligent
Bartender was chatting with a man in a bar
Bartender asks “Where are you from?”.
Man replies “I come from somewhere where we do not end a sentence with a preposition”.
“Alright” says the Bartender , “Where are you from idiot?”
Email This Post
Funny Amy
Teacher: “Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?”
Student: “No idea miss”
Teacher told angrily: “Bark, Amy”.
Amy: “Bow Wow Wow Miss”
Email This Post
Second Opinion
Doctor- You’re overweight
Lady- I think I want a second opinion
Doctor- OK, you’re also ugly.
Email This Post
Dangerous Wife
Two friends talking in a bar “Hows your wife, John?” Sure, she do be awful sick.” “Is ut dangerous she is?”
John replies “No, shes too weak to be dangerous anymore!”
Email This Post
Classy Restaurant
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”
Email This Post
Motherly Advice
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Email This Post
To Save Marriage
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little stone on a very vast beach.
The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, “If you wish to save your marriage, you’d better be a little boulder.”
Email This Post
A Tried And Trusted Employee
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, “I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”
The banker said, “Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.”
Email This Post
Perfect Men
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”
An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”
Email This Post