A mechanic called one of his customers, a bank officer after a check bounced. “The check you sent me to pay your bill has bounced!” He yelled!
The officer replied,”well, so did all my car problems that you fixed!”
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A man who isn’t qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit, he will give him a job.
Another employee points out to the owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.
The owner replies, “Yah, I know. That’s my way of getting rid of that pest!”
Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.
The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.
“Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit. But tell me, what in the world happened to you”?
“Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it. He said it fit him great. As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!”
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While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors.
A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”
He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.”
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Samantha took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost.
The hair cutter replied, ” $75″.
“I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!” said Samantha
The hair cutter replied, “Yes, but you don’t bite, do you?!”
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A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, “Please, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me.”
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn’t realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, “I’m sorry, it’s really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving dead bodies to mortuary for the last 25 years.”
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A man goes to book store and says – I need a book on topic “Short ideas on full control on women.”
Salesman: Sir, Please move into our next row of ‘fiction section’.
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A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it. Fifty people deceived! Fifty people deceived!”
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, “There’s nothing in here about fifty people being deceived.”
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, “Read all about it. Fifty-one people deceived!”
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A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said,
“That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”
The clerk smiled and said,
“Rain…”
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Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.
As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then said, “Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did.”
“Yes it did,” the fireman admitted. “I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!”
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A recent college graduate got hired by the human-development center of a large corporation to train the employees in proper dress code and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man who was casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
“Dressed a little casually today, aren’t we?” she said in a scolding tone.
“That’s one of the benefits of owning the company,” the man replied with a grin.
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“This house,” said the real estate salesman, “has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both.
“The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.”
“What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.
“The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”
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An interoffice baseball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just “how” the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
“The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2007 baseball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year.
The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game.”
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A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. “I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. “Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?” “Well, we work for the county government, ” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Are n’t you wasting the county’s money?” “You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us–me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.” “Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean we can’t work, does it?”
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Civil Servant : Someone who isn’t civil and doesn’t serve.
Nurse : A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
HR Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Psychologist : Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room.
Statistician : Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an engineer.
Programmer : Someone who fixes a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
Consultant : Someone who uses your wife’s watch, tells you the time,and then charges you for it.
Economist : An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Banker : Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it back when it starts to rain.
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A blonde got a job as a road line-painter. She paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.
“You get worse and worse every day!” yelled his boss.
“That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day.” said blonde with a cute smile.
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One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.
The fire chief says, “Well, you look like a good guy. I’d be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test.”
The firechief takes the mathematcian to the alley behind the fire departmentwhich contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, “OK, you’re walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What doyou do?”
The mathematician replies, “Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire.”
The chief says, “That’s great… perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you’re walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?”
The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and he finally says, “I light the dumpster on fire.”
The chief yells, “What? That’s horrible! Why would you light the dumpster onfire?”
The mathematician replies, “Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I’ve already solved.”
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A man goes into library and asks for a book on suicide. Librarian looks him and says,
.
.
Who will return the book back!
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A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked –
“Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?”
Aghast, the man said, “are you NUTS?, that’s robbery!”
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again –
“Sir, since you are a bit irate, I’ll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly – “you must be crazy pal, now go away!”
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy –
“Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much”.
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
“HEY,” he snarled, “this brownie tastes like crap!!!”
“It is,” replied the salesman. “Wanna buy some mouthwash?”
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A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
That customer’s going to come back here pretty mad,he said to his boss.Should I give him his money back?
Money back?roared the boss.What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.
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A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters’ place.
They put up a big bold sign which read:
“WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:
“WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS”
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