Two rednecks were sitting next to each other. One says to the other, “I have such a big farm I could climb in my truck, and it would take me two days to get across the whole farm!”
The other redneck turns back to him and replies, “My kid also used to have a truck like that!”
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A redneck is riding in a cab when they see a guy kicking a woman who’s lying on the sidewalk.
The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady.
Redneck rolls down the window, and starts yelling, “Stop it! Stop it! Stop the meter!”
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A talking Frog told John, John, you don’t have any brain.
John said, I have it.
Frog repeated, No you don’t.
Excited John yelled, Yes, I have it.
Angry Frog, screamed, No hell, you don’t. and Frog jumps into the water.
Perturbed John mumbled to himself, There was no need to drown and commit suicide for it!!
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Two Old Rednecks were sitting and suddenly, Bill said to John, “I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!”
“How did you meet this fellow?” John asked, very concerned.
Bill said, “Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car.”
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A redneck came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry over here. My house is on fire!”
“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”
“Shucks, don’t you still have those big red trucks?”
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Three Redneck Ricky, Jimmy, and Stewart were out riding their bikes one afternoon when a fire engine zoomed past with blaring sirens.
The three kids noticed a Dalmatian on the front seat of the fire engine.
Ricky commented, “They use that dog to keep the crowds back.”
“No,” said Jimmy, “he’s just for good luck.”
But Stewart knew better, “No, that’s not it,” he said. “The dog is there to give them directions to the nearest fire hydrant!”
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A redneck checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.
Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?” T
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”
The redneck says, ” Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”
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A redneck, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel’s clerk about the time of meals.
“Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8,” explained the clerk.
“Look here,” inquired the farmer in redneck, “when am I going to get time to see the city?”
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A Redneck was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, over-sized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.
“Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” she sighed.
“No more,” redneck said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!”
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Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. with all the equipments needed. The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”
The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
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A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
“Oh, about $200 today,” said the redneck. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the redneck.
“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”
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There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a Redneck feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The Redneck would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The Redneck would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the Redneck , “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!”
The Redneck looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”
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To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, redneck too his wife to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. Wife said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.” “But, madam!”, replied the bellman. “Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued. “You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I’m going to complain to the manager.” “Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room; this is the elevator!”
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There was a blonde, a redhead, and a robber who escaped from jail together. The redhead hid in a dog house, the robber hid in a cat house, and the blonde hid in a potatoes sack. The cops came to the dog house and listened in. The red- head said “Woof!” The cops then moved on to the cat house. The robber said “Meow!” The cops checked the area around the potatoes sack and heard “Potatoes!” The cops chased them further and they all climbed up trees. The cops pulled out their guns and prepared. “Ready, aim…” “TORNADO!” said the red- head. The cops were startled, looked around a bit, and the red- head escaped. They continued toward the robber’s tree. “Ready, aim…” “HURRICANE!!!” yelled the robber. Again they were frightened by the outburst and looked around. The robber escaped also. They finally proceeded to the tree with the blonde. “Ready, aim…” “FIRE!!!!!” screamed the blonde.
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Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.
“Right at the end of Eucalyptus Road,” Billy Bob replied.
“Could you spell that for me please?” the operator asked.
After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, “How ’bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y’all can pick her up there?”
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Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”
The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
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Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, “The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind.” One of the hunters pushed forward, “Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What’s with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, “Do you know where we are?” “I think so,” replied the other Redneck. “Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year
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How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a “teethbrush”.
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