COLUMBUS’ MOTHER:
“I don’t care what you’ve discovered,
you still could have written!”

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER:
“All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of
there and show me.”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER:
“Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

MARY’S MOTHER:
“I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a
better grade than you.”

MICHELANGELO‘ S MOTHER:
“Can’t you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to
get that stuff off the ceiling?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER:
“The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER:
“I don’t care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew.”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER:
“But it’s your senior picture.
Can’t you do something about your hair?
OY! Styling gel, mousse, something… ?”

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER:
“Of course I’m proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”

Anthony’s Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Bell’s Theorem:
As soon as the body is immersed fully in the bathtub, the telephone will ring.

Breda’s Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Cannon’s Karmic Law:
If you use the excuse that you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will actually have a flat tire.

Kovac’s Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

O’brien’s Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Owen’s Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Rubys Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are in a situation where you do not want to be seen by anybody.

Willoughby’s Law:
When you try to prove to the repairman that a machine doesn’t work, it will.

Wooly’s law:
When you are working late, the boss will never be around. When you are surfing the net the boss will always drop by.

Zadra’s Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reachability of the area.

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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* I hit the CTRL key but I’m still not in control!

* Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

* Disk Full – Press F1 to belch.

* Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit

* (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

* If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

* Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

* Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.”

* Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

* Relax, it’s only ONES and ZEROS!

* Will configure ones and zeros for food!

* Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or file name!”

* As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

* Backups? We don’t need no stinking backups.

* E Pluribus Modem

* C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

* A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.

* An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

* CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

* A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.

* 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbor’s Pentium.

* Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

* Windows: Just another pain in the glass.

* SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

* RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

* All computers wait at the same speed.

“Law of Drunkedness”
You can’t fall off the floor.

“Heller’s Law”
The first myth of management is that it exists.

“Osborne’s Law”
Variables won’t; constants aren’t.

“Main’s Law”
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

“Weinberg’s Second Law”
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

“The Law of Volunteering”
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

“The Law of Avoiding Oversell”
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

“The Law of Common Sense”
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

“The Law of Reality”
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

“The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

He’s tighter than a photo finish.

She’s got a face like a picture – it needs hanging

I’ve seen better teeth on a worn out gear box.

He’s as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank.