A dying grandma tells her grandchild, “I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash.”
The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, “Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?”
With her last breath, Grandma whispered, “Facebook…”
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A zookeeper notices someone throwing $20 bills at the monkeys. The zookeeper tells the man to stop and that it’s not allowed.
“Of course it’s allowed!”, says the old man.
“No it’s not”, says the zookeeper.
“Sure it is, it says right here: ‘Don’t feed the monkeys. $20 fine.’
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An old man goes to a movie theater to see the latest James Bond movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at to purchase some popcorn.
The attendant says, ” $1.5 for popcorns Sir.”
“The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.”
“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now!!”
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One day an old person drove to his best friend’s barn farm and noticed his barn was on fire.
“Your barn’s burning down,” he yelled.
“I know it,” said the other old person , “I’m sittin’ here prayin’ for rain.”
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An old lady went at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. One of the contemporary paintings caught her eye and she inquired of the tour guide, “What on earth is that?”
He smiled condescendingly. “That, dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and child.”
“Well, then,” snapped the little old lady, “why isn’t it?”
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An old man walks into the tax collector’s office and sat down and smiled at everyone.
“May I help you?” said the clerk in charge.
“No,” said the old man. “I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years.”
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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.
‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.’
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Two Old Rednecks were sitting and suddenly, Bill said to John, “I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!”
“How did you meet this fellow?” John asked, very concerned.
Bill said, “Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car.”
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An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman’s head.
“Yech!” says the woman. “Get some toilet paper.”
“What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now.”
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.
He went back in a month and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
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A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.” He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. “And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly. “The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one th ing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”
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In an interview, reporters asked a 111 year old man, ‘What do you think is the best thing about being 111?’
He replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
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An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”
“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”
“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.
“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
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A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. “My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.” “Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.” “I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.” “Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know. “Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”
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An old man enters a hospital to have a minor operation.
A nurse begins to take down his information: name, insurance company, etc.
“In case of emergency, whom should we notify?”
“You mean if I become very sick?”
“Well . . . yes.”
“If that happens, call a doctor!”
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An Old Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Irritated by this question he answers : No… I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.
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Old Patient: I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors.
Shocked Doctor : Why didn’t you come to me earlier?
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The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick old man and said,
“I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?”.
“Yes,” replied the old man faintly, “Another doctor”.
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A old man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the old man stammers, “Ohhh! doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
The Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
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An old man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word!”
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