Hi,
GOOD MORNING.
After 10 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no recommendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:- S! o, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3×366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager! :- Do you come to work on workers day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral – NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR=HIGH RISK

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he
announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up?”
Nine hands went up.
“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.
“Too much trouble,” came the reply.

1. NIIT : Not Interested in IT

2. WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output

3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses

4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions

5. INFOSYS : Inferior Offline Systems

6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping

7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds

8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines

9. SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly

10. C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings

11. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible

12. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort

13. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers

14. ORACLE : Online Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees

15. PATNI: Pathetic Appraisal Techniques, No Increments

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked him.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, Sir.” the employee replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. “This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,” he said.

“I know,” the employer said. “But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.”

“Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake,” the worker answered, “but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.”

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

* Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
* If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps.
*Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
* If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
*If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
*Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
*If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
*If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
*If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
*Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

What the new Job-Lingo really means!

“Join our Fast-Paced Company”:
We have no time to train you.

“Casual Work Atmosphere”:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Must be Deadline Oriented”:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“Some Overtime Required”:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

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“Join our Fast-Paced Company”:
We have no time to train you.

“Casual Work Atmosphere”:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Must be Deadline Oriented”:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“Some Overtime Required”:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“Duties Will Vary”:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Must Have An Eye For Detail”:
We have no quality control.

“Career-Minded”:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“No Phone Calls Please”:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety Of Experience”:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“Problem-Solving Skills a Must”:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“Requires Team Leadership Skills”:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good Communication Skills”:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.