A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little stone on a very vast beach.
The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, “If you wish to save your marriage, you’d better be a little boulder.”
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”
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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”
“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’
“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.
“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten…”
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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”
An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”
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Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: “When I’m dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.”
Wife: “No, I can’t marry anyone after you.”
Johnson: “But I want you to.”
Wife: “But why?”
Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!”
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A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
“Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman, “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?”
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.”
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There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, “Great, so now you’re cheating on me with a bald woman!”
The next night, when she didn’t smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, “She’s not only bald, but she’s too cheap to buy any perfume!”
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A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. “Mom,” she says, “I just found out that my fiance’s mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding.”
The bride’s mother thinks for a minute. “Don’t worry,” she tells her daughter. “I’ll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony.”
“But mother,” says the bride, “that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It’s such a waste not to use it.”
“Who said I won’t use it?” her mother asked.
“I’ll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner.”
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Jill tells her husband, “Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can’t you do that?”
“Gosh,” Jack says, “why I hardly know the girl.”
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I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.” The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May I please have those roses?”
“What happened?” I asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”
“It’s even worse than that,” he confided. “I crashed my wife’s hard drive!”
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A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
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Grooms, once you marry, please remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last two words in: “Yes dear”
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Two men were talking
1st:
I am getting married because I am tired of eating out, cleaning house & doing laundry
2nd:
Strange, I am taking divorce for same reasons!
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“Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”
“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” protested his nephew.
“I know,” replied the uncle. “That’s exactly what I mean.”
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Mona came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
“Ow!” John exclaimed. “What was that for?”
“I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name ‘ML’ written on it,” she said angrily. “You better have a good explanation!”
“Calm down, honey,” John said. “I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on.”
Later that same day, Mona walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.
“What the heck was that for?” he demanded.
“Your dog just called.”
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A couple were having marital problems. They decided to do the right thing and contacted a marriage counselor.
Several visits followed when lots of questions were asked and lots of listening carried out. Eventually the counselor felt that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the wife and asking her to stand up, he gave her a big hug.
He turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least once every day.”
The husband frowned, considered what had been said for a moment, then replied, “OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?”
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An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig pen when the woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, William,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
“Gee, Betty,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
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Jimmy’s mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football game.
“Talk to your son,” she said. “He refuses to obey a word I say.”
The father turned to Jimmy angrily. “Jimmy, how dare you disobey your mother. Do you think you’re better than your old man?”
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Tom was reading the morning paper while his wife was getting very angry because it was 25th wedding anniversary but they had no plans for celebration.
“Tom!! Tom!! Put down that paper and let’s talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?”
Tom put his newspaper down, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, “How about two minutes of silence?”
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The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he’d like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife’s birthday.
“A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk.
“You bet,” answered the customer. “She’s expecting a cruise.”
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