Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven’t seen each other for years. As they are talking one woman notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says…

“My what a magnificent ring.”

Her friend relies, “Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes with my husband!”

The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they’re stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. “You know, honey,” she said sweetly, “Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.”

“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”

At the party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”

The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

A wife complains, “A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”

Her husband mumbled, “Clock always was slow.”

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”

The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”

Most successful Happy married life is Defined as.
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“Yet to be seen”

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Wedding rings are the world’s tiniest handcuffs.
Don’t marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.