If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
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There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.
Jim said, “No, that’s okay. God will take care of me.”
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Q: Wha’t big and grey and can fly straight up?
A: An elecopter.
Q: What do elephants do for entertainment?
A: Watch elevision.
Q: How do elephants communicate?
A: They talk on the elephone.
Q: How do you tell if there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
A: Look for his footprints in the cheesecake.
Q: How do you tell if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: Look for two sets of footprints side by side.
Q: How do you tell if there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: The door won’t close.
Q: How many giraffes will fit in the refrigerator?
A: None: there are already too many elephants in there.
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10. When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them! “I’m so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…”
9. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my Gosh! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends … Would you be my friend?”
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips
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DOCTOR! DOCTOR!
Doctor, doctor, I’ve only got 59 seconds to live.
Ok, just a minute.
Doctor, doctor, I’ve swallowed the film from my camera.
We’ll just have to see what develops.
Doctor, doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do ?
Limp.
Doctor, doctor, I have a split personality.
Nurse, bring in another chair.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a clock.
Ok, relax, There’s nothing to get yourself all wound up about.
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THE “FORWARDER’S” 12 STEP PROGRAM – EVERYONE SAY IT
WITH ME …
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an email!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift
certificate they’re supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail …NEVER–NEVER !!
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I
will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO,NADA !!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your
friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and
all of your hair will fall out!
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Crossing the river one day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength… and the tools to cross this river.”
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools… and the intelligence… to cross this river.”
And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice
“I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man…
“What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
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Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you’re right but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v.
To go to the cash machine and hit “inquire”.
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone, who is able to create a style, you will never be able to duplicate again. See also “Magician”.
Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day ,when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Zillion (zil*yen) n.
The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
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The Clinton’s and the Gores are traveling aboard Air Force One. Bill Clinton looks out the window and says, “You know, I bet I could drop a $10,000 bill out the window and make one person very happy!”
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Clinton walks out into his garden one day and in the snow he says “bastard” written in piss. He is so outraged he goes into the oval office and calls the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did this horrible thing to his garden.
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A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, “Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him.
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A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is placed at normal adult height, and the little fellow just can’t reach.
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . “God, what does a million years mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A minute.”
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Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila.”
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Three guys die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them “whatever you do, don’t step on a pink cloud”. The first guy goes off wandering. when he comes back, he’s accompanied by one of the ugliest women you’ve ever seen.
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10. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
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” Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from
One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money. ”
FIRST LAW:
A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl
in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until on unless
any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy.
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1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
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How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
When do you care for a man’s company?
When he owns it.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”
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