Funny Jokes - Page 28

Poor Bill Clinton !

Telephone in the White House rang. “Hello Mr. Clinton,” a heavily accented voice says.

“This is Santa down in Ludhiana, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Santa,” Bill replies, “This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?”

“At this moment in time,” says Santa after a moment’s calculation, “There is myself, my friend Banta, my next door neighbour Gurinder and the entire basketball team from the Village. That makes more than 10!”

Bill sighs and says, “I must tell you Santa that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word”

“OK,” says Santa. “I’ll have to ring you back!”

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Who is the BEST – Infosys, Wipro or TCS?

One day, three consultants, one from Wipro, one from Infosys and one from TCS, went out for a walk.
“Why don’t we prove who is the best among ourselves?”
Why not, said the other two.
The Infosian said “Let’s have a test. Whoever makes this monkey laugh, works for the best firm”.
Being a pure logical strategist, the person from TCS tried to make the monkey Laugh by telling jokes. The monkey stayed still.
As a more practical consultant, the Wipro guy tried to make funny gestures… No good, the monkey stayed put…
Now, comes the Infosian. Being the practical guy he was always trained to be, he whispered something into the monkey’s ear, and it burst out laughing at him..
The other two were astonished. So the Wipro guy said “OK, let’s take another test. Let’s make this monkey cry!!”

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Chemistry Of Women and Men

Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:

___________________________________________________

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when
left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly
green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

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Economics Of the World

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

*INDIAN ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
You worship them.

* PAKISTAN ECONOMICS*
You don’t have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid,
China for military aid,
Britain for warplanes,
Italy for machines,
Germany for technology,
France for submarines,
Switzerland for loans,
Russia for drugs and
Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world

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Girl And Relationships

Girl can break all kind of relationships 🙂

The best relation ever is between two eyes,

”
they blink together,
they move together,
they cry together,
they see together and sleep together”.

STILL they never see directly at each other.
.
.
.
.
.
.
But when they see a girl, one will blink and another will not.

Moral of the story:
Girl can break all kind of relationships 🙂


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Extremely Funny Love Letter

My Dearest Nikki,

Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options

(A) 10 marks,
(b) 5marks and
(c) 3 marks.

**********

1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:

(a) of love
(b) you couldn’t control seeing me
(c) really … Am I doing it?

**********

2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:

(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile

**********

3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because:

(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I’ll like your song

**********

4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because:

(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don’t know

**********

5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend’s because:

(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won’t feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don’t know

**********

6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn’t get into your bus…

(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn’t notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded

**********

7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:

(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them

**********

8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because:

(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose

**********

9) On that day, it was my birthday. You too came to temple early at 6:00 A.M because:

(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual.

**********

If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don’t delay in expressing it.

If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it’s getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.

Eagerly awaiting your reply..

Love, John

************ *********

Nikki’s reply letter was also in Q/A format ………

John ,

Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

**********

1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them.

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she stop singing or not?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.

You poked your nose inside….. Right ?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn’t you understand yet?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali ) at the bus stand?

(a)Yes (b) No

**********

7) Shouldn’t I introduce you to my parents as a friend?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana’s flower. Is it true ?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

9) Oh was that your birthday. That’s why I could see you in temple. I come daily to Temple. Do you know ?

(a) Yes (b) No

If you have answered “Yes” to any of the question, then I am not loving you. If you have answered “No”, then you don’t know the meaning of Love.

Hope everything is clear to you ..


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Reasons The 80’s Were A Cooler Time To Grow Up Than The 90’s

10) MTV actually played videos in the 80’s.

9) There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swish), and they didn’t cost $125.

8) A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.

7) In the 80’s playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.

6) In the 80’s, when you were out partying, you didn’t have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell.

5) In the 80s we didn’t have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school — unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.

4) Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. NSync. New Edition vs. Hanson. OK, that one’s a draw.

3) In the early 80’s there were kids in your high school who could BUY ALCOHOL LEGALLY.

2) Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.

1) In the 80’s you didn’t have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.


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Its NOT what you Eat

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on
nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you


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Funny Very Large Toilet

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”


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Funny Business Mergers

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

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Love & Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

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The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

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The Cure

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

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A doctor, civil engineer & computer scientist

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The doctor remarked, “Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.”

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Signs You’re Broke

1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch anymore.

6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

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Quality Work Force

A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public Works. He was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The man agreed to the conditions and starts the next day.

The supervisor checked and found that the man completed 4 miles on his first day. “Great,” he thought, “this man will really work out.”

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Punishment Due

A little boy works on a farm. In the early hours his mother tells him to do all his chores before sitting down to his breakfast which upsets him. On the way out to the barn he shoves the cow out the way, then seeing the rooster he gives that a kick and finally pulls the old sows ear in his temper.

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Primetime Parking

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate.

The police officer walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up and obligingly cranked down the car window. The boyish looking driver said, “Yes, Officer?”

“What are you doing?” the policeman asked.

“What does it look like?” answered the young man. “I’m reading this magazine.”

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, “And what’s she doing?”
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Politically Correct

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.”
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Perplexed

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?”

The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.”

The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.”
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